Seven months ago, I wrote what turned out to be a somewhat controversial blog entry, titled “Relationships: An Outsider’s Perspective.” It was met with a good deal of negative feedback, and I was branded as being jaded and pessimistic.
Perhaps I was. So I decided to revisit the post and see if any of my original thoughts had changed. I figured after more than half a year, it was time.
To be honest, not one thing has changed in my mind.
Around that time, a good friend told me to be careful with being single, you can get used to it really easily and fall into a routine you can never get out of. I agreed, having had an extensive run as a single man in the late 1990s and early 2000s.
I cannot say one bad thing about that period of my life. I was as happy as I had ever been. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. No one else’s opinion mattered. My time was my own. Admittedly, I pissed away a number of years of my life, but is time spent happy really being wasted? In my opinion, time spent miserable is time wasted.
Since 2005, I’ve spent all but two years being absolutely miserable.
I spent a happy 2010 and a happy 2018 but other than that, the only enjoyment I got out of life was time spent with my son. The rest of my life, I flushed.
As I look back over my life, I don’t see how kowtowing to someone else’s wishes 100% of the time, being places I didn’t want to be and doing things I didn’t want to do was benefiting me in any way. Add to it the fact that I felt like a human ATM machine during all those years, I not only lost any enjoyment I had in life, but I had also lost my self respect.
This brings me back to another previous entry, written just over two months ago, “The List, Version 2.0.” This covered the prerequisites I would have for a woman if I ever decided to try a relationship again. As I look back over it, again, nothing’s changed.
I am putting all my faith in 2019. If a relationship is part of that, so be it. I’m not closing myself to the possibility in any way. But I also need to be convinced that being single is inferior to being in a relationship. And time will tell if that turns out to be the case, or not.
I need time to put a buffer between myself and the unhappiest decade of my life, and I’ve got a good 11-month start on that. But I can’t say that one year is enough.
It could take another ten years for me to put the past decade behind me.
However it shakes out, I’m going to be happy again, like I was 20 years ago.
And for the time being, that’s going to be as a single man. And that’s non-negotiable.