About Jason J. Connor

Chicago White Sox Baseball. MLB The Show. Memes. Premium cigars. Electronics. Girls. Politics. 🇺🇸

I’m tired.

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I’m tired.

I’m tired of being tired.

I’m tired of watching my life float away as I brood over the unfairness and misery I have dealt with over the past decade of my life.

I’m tired of being 80 pounds overweight and feeling like a big, fat fuck.

I’m tired of not pursuing my passions.

I’m tired of people not respecting my boundaries and decisions.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m in a haze all day and laying awake all night.

I’m tired of the overwhelming humidity.

I’m tired of thinking too much.

I’m tired of not feeling like me.

I’m tired of arguing.

I’m just tired.

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Single. Staying That Way. No, You Cannot Change My Mind. End Of Discussion.

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Recently, I announced my decision to take myself off the dating grid until August 1, 2019. I was at the breaking point trying to explain to women that I am in no position mentally to be involved in a relationship at this time, or to date anyone exclusively, or even once, for that matter. The last seven and a half years have not been kind to me and I needed to lick my wounds and let them heal before I even considered trying again.

This decision has been met with ridicule and “threats” of “I’ll be the one that can make you change your mind.” Therefore, I felt a public service announcement was in order, because sometimes you just can’t get through to people by normal means.

First, let me explain what brought me to this point. In December 2017 I got out of a relationship that was so rancid and repulsive that I sincerely thought it was going to be the death of me. And it lasted for seven years. I am eternally grateful that I was able to get out of it in one piece. But the physical and emotional toll that I went through at the hands of that pathetic piece of garbage and her bastard daughter nearly did me in. Mentally I was ready to move forward several years ago, because at no point was I actually ever in love with this woman and the idea of marrying her literally made me laugh out loud.

However, the physical and emotional toll were heavy. I put on 80 pounds through stress eating, my hair was falling out, I was sick all the time due to my immune system not functioning properly due to stress, I had stomach ulcers, I had the shakes and I was suffering from migraine headaches. All things considered, its a miracle I am alive.

Once that sorry excuse for a “relationship” was over, I kept most women at arm’s length and took few into my confidence or took much interest in them. But there was one extreme exception to that rule. A girl I met on Facebook caught my eye and my attention and we agreed to go out. We did, spent several hours talking and eating and walking and I started to fall for her fast. We had a second date, and spent some time hanging out at my house and watched a movie. I was completely and totally smitten with this girl.

Within a week of that she started ghosting me and I have heard not a single word from her since July 5. So, the one woman I was allowing myself to fall for was a complete and total flake. This just further proved my point that it was time to walk away.

Between a cockeyed, buck-toothed, inbred-looking, worthless, trash can whore and a beautiful girl with two jobs and life goals, I managed to figure out that I needed to walk away from women and not just for a week, but for an extended period of time.

So, to every woman in the world who isn’t married or engaged or spoken for, no, I have no interest in dating you right now. It doesn’t matter if you’re the lowest form of scum or the most beautiful woman in the world. The answer is no. Period.

Part of this stems from the area in which I live. I live in north central West Virginia, and its just as bad as the national media portrays it. A large percentage of the women here are literally disgusting. I’m talking about losing-your-appetite disgusting. I’m talking toothless, cockeyed, covered in meth sores and carrying who-knows-what kind of STDs.

I know my value and I have no intention of dealing with this kind of human filth.

I also refuse to do long-distance relationships because, quite honestly, they’re ridiculous. Why would I want to “date” someone I never see? I’m way too needy for that.

Yes, I have myself in kind of a catch-22 here. I don’t want to date any local trash but I also don’t want to date anyone who isn’t local. Do you see the pattern here?

I don’t want to date.

I want to spend the rest of my summer enjoying myself. Watching baseball. Working. Smoking the finest cigars. Going for drives. Upgrading my office and doing work on my PC and my gaming systems. Working on my baseball card collection. As well as things that are a little more simple, like I want to spend some time not being miserable.

During the month that I was talking to the flake who ghosted me, I legitimately thought I might be able to be happy again with a significant other. I’m not sure how that happened, or why I would have thought something so ridiculous at that point. But now that I know better, I know better than to let chance have the opportunity to do it to me again.

Any girl who has said she can be the “one to change my mind” has been told to get in line and wait for August 1, 2019. I don’t think most of them are amused at that response but the fact is, I have to be honest because that’s just who I am. I am at all times truthful and I see no reason to lead anyone on when I’m being quite public about my decision.

Everyone should make themselves happy before they even consider making anyone else happy. I know at this point that I have been so disconnected from myself for so many years that I just need some time to get used to being myself again. Doing the things I have always loved but couldn’t do. Just being me and not having to do for anyone else.

Now, I need to say, this is not about selfishness. I think when next August rolls around I’ll be a better man than I am now and that will, in turn, be better for whomever I eventually end up with, whether that’s next August or a decade from now. At this point, I’m a broken man and I’m not going to be good for anything to anyone. Who would want that?

In closing, I want to reiterate that no, I will not be changing my mind about this decision and no one on this earth is going to tell me what to do when it comes to my dating and social life. It’s not up for debate. It’s my life and I’ll do with it what I want. No one is going to change my mind or make me alter my plans. Only death can do that at this point.

Thank you for reading and God bless.

Not For Sale: Taking Myself Off The Market, Part II (REVISED)

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After falling off the wagon a couple of times (once because I thought I was genuinely about to fall in love and once because, well, I’m a blithering idiot), I am back to square one, realizing how important it is to remove myself from the dating scene while I still have my self-respect and dignity, as well as what’s left of my mental health and sanity.

I wrote the original entry about this subject on May 23, 2018. Shortly thereafter, I sold out and went out with a girl I had originally started talking to in early April. There were a few red flags (distance between us, roughly 45 minutes, being a good example) but I found her to be beautiful, intelligent and worth the extra work considering the situation.

We went out on June 2, remained in touch daily and went out again on June 23. I was falling hard. But then, beginning on July 6, she decided to start ghosting me. We never had a disagreement or even a cross word. I kept going back in my mind trying to figure out what I had done wrong, but could not figure it out, unless I was just expecting too much and she didn’t want to deal with it. Some of my friends have other ideas, like I was maybe a “practice” date. There are also theories that maybe she has a man stashed away or has her eyes on one. Some have even speculated that maybe she’s not attracted to men. Who knows.

Ultimately, I never will. And I came to terms with that, finally. But whatever feelings I had for her have died a quick death, and I blocked her on Facebook and from being able to call or text me. An explanation, even a dishonest one (i.e. “I’m allergic to you” or “our signs aren’t compatible”) would have sufficed, rather than just ghosting me.

I was then asked out last week by a woman who lives even further away (roughly an hour) who had asked me out in February and I declined. I wasn’t really attracted to her but at first she seemed to have a fun personality. Until I got to know her better. She has a rotten personality and an ego to match. Without even having met outside of Facebook and text messaging, she announced that she didn’t like my beard and that I needed to shave it. She said she doesn’t like baseball (which is my only obsession in life) and that she would “rather poke (her) eyes out with a fork” than watch baseball. She also announced that if I was ever “lucky enough” to share her bed that I better get used to listening to white noise to go to sleep.

Wow.

Talk about a cunt. She may be the most selfish woman I have ever met, and that’s saying something. On top of not being overly attractive at all, this ego of hers was beyond anything I had ever seen. When you’re in the process of seeing if you’re compatible with someone, saying “this is how it is, get used to it” is probably not the best strategy. Had I used any common sense, the fact that I had already declined her advances once should have struck a chord with me.

Luckily, cooler heads prevailed and we never went out. That would have been a disaster of epic proportions. I hate to say it, but I give more slack on things like that to a woman who maybe has the looks to carry it off. A beautiful woman can be egotistical and get away with it. A woman who is on the opposite end of that spectrum really can’t. At all.

Which brings me back to why I made the decision to take myself off the market in the first place back in May. Dating just doesn’t work for me right now, and these two situations have made that even more clear than it was before. I know there’s no one out there for me, at least in this area, and in a way I’m thankful for that because this whole county is a hellhole that I can’t imagine meeting anyone in that I could spend the rest of my life with.

These last two were from neighboring counties, and I thought maybe I had beaten the system that way. No, they’re just as bad. While the first one was far more attractive than anyone you’ll ever meet in my area, she was still a flake of ultimate dimension. The second one was pretty much on par for what you would expect to find around here.

Too many women overvalue themselves in the marketplace. If your description of yourself includes the fact that you don’t have enough money to support yourself or you don’t like to cook or your favorite pastime is drinking yourself into a stupor, that’s not increasing your value as a potential mate. It’s making you look stupid more than anything.

Yet, there are meth-heads, drunks and legitimate whores around here who are holding out for something they’re never going to find, a decent man who would be happy to have them in their life. In my case, I have yet to find one I would even consider.

So, I am back where I started. I’ve decided I need one year to get my life back in order and kind of lick my wounds and recover from the shock and disappointment of the past seven months, as well as the seven years of abject misery I dealt with before that.

As I told a close friend of mine last night, the happiest times I can remember in my life all had one thing in common: I was single and wasn’t trying to change it.

My plan now is to take myself completely off the dating market until August 1, 2019. One year and a week, basically. Do I expect to just jump into a relationship on August 1 of next year? Of course not, but I’m not even going to consider doing so until then. I have enlisted a number of friends to do whatever it takes to keep me from falling off the wagon again. Humiliate me on Facebook with wall posts. Spray paint my Jeep. Shoot me in the leg. Anything.

I just can’t spend the rest of whatever I have left in life chasing shadows and settling for less than I want. I don’t drink (to excess, anyway), I don’t use drugs, I work, I own my own vehicle and house, I have a good income and savings, I can go buy anything I want at any time. I really have no need for a woman, as a woman won’t complete me. I am complete as it is. I will say that a woman can enhance me and my life, but she isn’t a necessity.

So why shouldn’t I enjoy myself, and if it stretches into a period longer than a year, then so be it. The same thing happened to me in 1996, I became single after a long-term relationship ended in June and decided to take the rest of 1996 off from dating. That lasted until July of 2005. I am not the least bit afraid of being alone or not being in a relationship.

You see, I came to realize a long time ago that I am at my happiest when I am single. I had such an amazing life in the late 1990s and early 2000s and sure enough, within a month of entering the relationship scene again in 2005, I was utterly miserable. And every woman I have dated since has made me miserable. Some more than others and some for ungodly periods of time.

I do want and need to address the elephant in the room. I have been asked repeatedly “but what if some cute, little, available girl comes into your life before August 1, 2019?” Well, quite simply, this: If she is, in fact, my “soulmate,” then she’ll still be around when my self-imposed exile is up. There is nothing to be accomplished for me in chasing shadows and wondering if this girl is “The One” or even considering going out with a woman who I already know is not “The One.”

Life isn’t that complicated. If you don’t feel anything for someone, if there’s no attraction there or there’s no feeling of desire to see someone, she’s not “it.”

I had to have that beaten into me between 2010 and 2017 and it seems that maybe the lesson still hasn’t taken hold. If I can stay with someone until December 2017 that I have hated with a bloody passion since at least 2013 and likely before that, I clearly have no sense.

It’s clear that I need to be taken away from the general public for a long stretch and learn how to function as a normal human being again without making an arse of myself constantly. Thus, my decision to enter my self-imposed exile, that I think I will truly enjoy. I recently upgraded my cigar humidor and bought a beautiful selection of premium sticks that I will enjoy sitting outside smoking and listening to the White Sox games on the radio and no one will even have to poke their eyes out.

In closing, I hope the two women mentioned within this post get exactly what they deserve in life and reap what they are sowing. As for myself, I hope I have as good a time for the next nine years as I had the last time I went into exile. Be they alone or with my “soulmate,” wherever she may be. I figure if she’s out there, she’ll find me in due time. And it won’t be until at least August of 2019.

Thank you for visiting and reading…

Like Me For Who I Am, Or Piss Off…

HatedForWhoIAm1_560For the fifth time in a matter of months, a woman has walked briefly into my life and taken an interest in completely changing who I am.

Let’s first examine who I am.  I’m a Chicago White Sox fan and have loved baseball for 30 years.  It’s as much a part of who I am as my DNA.  I love beautiful women and I celebrate them.  I love heavy metal music.  This is all a part of what makes me who I am.  And the idea that anyone would change that irks me.

I was recently asked out by a woman who literally liked nothing about me.  Right down to my facial hair.  Now, bear in mind that I don’t know this woman outside of social networking and texting.  But she apparently has an ego big enough to assume that I would shave off my beard to satisfy her whim about my facial hair.  She also told me she would “rather stab (her) eyes out with a fork” than watch baseball.  Fair enough, but the fact is I would rather stab my eyes out with a fork than spend another 15 seconds talking to an overinflated, egomaniacal, selfish cunt of a woman.

Several months ago a woman told me she would “not compete” with baseball for my attention.  That’s probably a good idea.  Because unless you completely sweep me off my feet, you’re not going to compete.  You’ll always finish second.

The point here is, I am who I am.  Not only is your approval not needed, its irrelevant.  If you’re a single woman who is over the age of 30 and you’re trying to pick up men to change into something other than what they are, you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, who really needs to change?

No self-respecting man is going to just give up his lifelong pursuits of interest because some woman asks him to, or in my case, nags me to.  I am a happy, self-sufficient, single man.  I don’t need a woman to “complete” me, especially if all she is doing is tearing me down.  That’s going in the opposite direction.  On some level, a woman may help to enhance my life.  But I have yet to meet one that’s anything more than a hindrance and a drain on my happiness.  That kind of woman I do not need.

If I want to wear a beard, I’ll wear a beard.  If I want to watch the White Sox game, or listen to Megadeth, or sleep with an audiobook playing in my stereo, I’m going to do just that.  If I want to post funny memes featuring women in bikinis, you have two choices, accept it or stop looking.  I’m not going to change who I am.

A pathetic, weak man might allow a woman to completely mold him into something he’s not, in which case she’s gonna be dressing him and telling him what to eat and what to watch and what to like and his life is going to be a nightmare.

In closing, be who you are, critics be damned.  You have one life to live, you have to decide if you want to be true to yourself and enjoy what you are doing, or if you have such a need to make someone else happy that you’re willing to destroy your own happiness.  I’m not willing to do that.  I am who I am, you can accept me and we’ll get along fine or you can just open the door and walk out.

Like me for who I am, or piss off.  The choice is yours.

My Thoughts On: The Chicago White Sox Rebuild

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As the Chicago White Sox rebuild continues, and a number of potential trades are making the rounds nine days before the non-waiver trade deadline, I take stock of where the team is and where it hopes to be in the future. And I’m not liking the look of things.

Critics will immediately say “the rebuild is right on schedule,” or “we have one of the top three farm systems in baseball” or “the team is flush with cash, we can sign superstar free agents!” Well, let’s start there and address each of these thoughts, then I’ll go further into why I am worried about the situation as a whole, and why the future scares me.

“The Rebuild Is Right On Schedule”

For now. The Pittsburgh Pirates began a rebuild in 1993 and it was right on schedule at one point. I remember it was a five-year plan, they were going to rebuild the farm system and have the team ready to contend in five years. Well, they never got that far because they trashed it and started over in 1996. And a new five year plan was put in place. Then a few years later it was trashed. This continued on for 20 years before the team actually started to compete again, and the Pirates became one of the laughingstocks of Major League Baseball.

Sometimes these things don’t go to plan. You might think you have it all laid out and some of the players you are most counting on fail to develop. Or get injured. Maybe they’re just not as good as they seemed. Maybe they’re AAAA players; they excel at AAA but fail at the MLB level, too good for the minor leagues but struggle at the Major League level.

I worry about this as I watch Tim Anderson (.241) and Yoan Moncada (.234), two of our better prospects and the “first wave” of youngsters to hold down full-time MLB positions, fail to reach a .250 batting average. On the pitching end, Lucas Giolito is struggling to a 6.18 ERA. These kids are supposed to be a major part of the rebuild, part of the foundation that we build a winner on. And I don’t think anyone expected them to struggle to this extreme.

So what happens when the foundation doesn’t stand? You have to scrap it and begin again, as the Pirates did 25 years ago. And how much rope do you give these kids?

We Have One Of The Top Three Farm Systems In Baseball”

The White Sox rebuild began at the end of the 2016 season, when they traded Chris Sale to the Boston Red Sox for four prospects and Adam Eaton to the Washington Nationals for three pitching prospects. Of the seven players acquired, six have stuck and still have a bright future as far as their progress through the organization is concerned.

Then several months later, the White Sox traded Jose Quintana to the Chicago Cubs for four prospects. All four of whom are still in the organization and playing well.

Bottom line is, that’s ten players acquired in total, along with a number of players the White Sox have drafted in recent years who are considered top prospects, including catcher Zack Collins, first baseman Gavin Sheets, and this year’s top draft pick, Nick Madrigal.

White Sox general manager Rick Hahn has said himself that he expects the return on all these players to peak at about 25%, meaning only one out of four will develop into a star at the Major League level. So feasibly, this entire rebuild could produce four or five MLB regulars. Let’s suppose Eloy Jimenez, picked up in the Quintana deal is one of those, along with Moncada, Michael Kopech (acquired in the Sale deal), Reynaldo Lopez (acquired in the Eaton trade) and Dylan Cease, also picked up in the Quintana deal.

And let’s sweeten it a bit further and say Madrigal develops into a star, even though he is technically blocked at both positions he plays (at second base by Moncada and at shortstop by Anderson), its possible a position change for someone could result in all three having a spot in the lineup. And maybe a darkhorse develops somewhere in the minors and reaches stardom beyond what anyone had anticipated for him.

You’re still well short of a full Major League roster that’s ready to compete, but in that event we have thought number three, and that’s the one I dislike the most.

“The Team Is Flush With Cash, We Can Sign Superstar Free Agents”

Only twice in the history of this franchise has there been a free-agent signing of a legitimate “superstar.” The first was in 1981 when Carlton Fisk, a future Hall Of Fame catcher, signed after his contract from the Boston Red Sox was mailed to him late. The second was malcontent Albert Belle, who was signed to a five-year, $55 million contract that included an out that allowed him to void the deal if he was not among the top three highest-paid players in the league. Following year two, he did just that, and headed for Baltimore.

Top free agents have never signed with the White Sox. Never. The largest contract the team ever gave out was to Jose Abreu prior to the 2014 season, a six-year, $68 million deal, which he also opted out of and opted into arbitration. So not only have the White Sox never signed a player to a $100 million deal, they’ve never signed a player to a $70 million deal.

In fact, let’s look at the last White Sox rebuild, the 1997 “white flag trade” that ended the Sox short run as contenders in the mid-1990s but did set them up to win the 2000 American League Central title. That team featured a number of legitimate stars, none of whom was acquired as a free agent and certainly none who were paid like it. Paul Konerko (trade), Frank Thomas (draft), Carlos Lee (amateur free agent), Magglio Ordonez (amateur free agent), James Baldwin (draft), Jim Parque (draft) and Keith Foulke (acquired in the “white flag” trade).

In the early 1990s the New York Yankees were flush with cash, and free agents turned them down regularly, including Greg Maddux (who signed with the Atlanta Braves) and Barry Bonds (who signed with the San Francisco Giants), both of whom took less money than the Yankees were offering. Just because you make the biggest offer doesn’t mean players are going to sign, sometimes there are better offers but with less money.

Adding to this issue is the fact that two of the teams that have the most cash for free agent signings also have outstanding farm systems, the Yankees and the Los Angeles Dodgers. These teams have money to burn but also have a lot of really good minor league talent, on par with the White Sox and maybe, in the case of the Yankees, superior to the White Sox system. So all things being equal, is a superstar free agent more likely to take a $150 million deal from the Yankees, with their history, bottomless cash reserves, MLB talent and minor league talent or a $60 million deal from the White Sox with their lack of MLB talent and excellent minor league system? Mark my words, major free agents (Manny Machado, Clayton Kershaw, Bryce Harper, etc.) are not even giving the White Sox consideration. Not when the Dodgers or Yankees or Cubs or Phillies can offer them four times what the White Sox will offer.

The bottom line is, the White Sox are walking on a razors’ edge, they need to beat the percentages and have more of their prospects reach stardom than the average 25%. In addition to that, they need superstar free agents to look past the weather, the far-below-average coaching staff, the long history of losing and the fact that they can make more money elsewhere to sign with a team that may or may not develop minor league talent into Major League talent. I would hate to be the one assigned to make that sales pitch.

Having said all of that, I still love my team and certainly wish nothing but the best on the team, as well as for myself and my friends who are fans. We all want to win. But I have been a fan of this organization for 27 years and I have four division titles and one World Series win to show for it. To put that into perspective, in that same 27-year period, the New York Yankees have won 13 division titles (and six Wild Card births) and seven World Series titles.

It’s hard to be a White Sox fan and it’s hard to put a lot of faith in anything connected to this team just based on a lifetime of mediocrity and worse-than-mediocrity. The fact that we have one of the most lackluster coaching staffs in baseball makes it that much more difficult to get excited about the future. If this team were truly looking to field a winner, it would start at the top with an excellent field manager and a staff that would teach the youngsters the right way to play the game. We have none of that right now. And its a good place to start.

As I write this, the White Sox are 34-63, 29 games under .500 and 20 games out of first place (and five games out of last place). Some think it will just instantly click for the youngsters, all of the minor league prospects will develop, the team will sign a number of superstar free agents and win several World Series titles between 2020 and 2025.

Some of us would love to see that but common sense says otherwise.

Regardless, I still maintain my South Side Pride. Go Sox!

“…Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord…”

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To the ugly, buck-toothed, cockeyed, worthless, good-for-nothing, lying, cheating, backstabbing, inbred-looking, step-sibling-fucking, chicken fucking, dirt bag, hood rat, penniless, trash can whore, sicko, piece of shit who took my son away from me…

To her miserable, lying, worthless, brat, bastard kid, who facilitated such a thing because she couldn’t deal with me raising my son the way I wanted to see him raised, with everything he ever wanted, and her jealousy pushed her over the edge…

And to the lying, gutless, son of a bitch who was too scared to show up to court in January to look me in the eyes like a man, who testified on the phone and lied to a Family Court judge and pushed all of this forward, manipulating everything to force an outcome, but couldn’t finish what you started…

Angela Sheets and Megan Sheets…  You two are the scum of the earth, the lowest of the low.  But know one thing, God’s wrath awaits you.  I wasted seven years and thousands and thousands of dollars on people that weren’t worth the fuzz I pull out of my pockets every day.  I’ll waste no more time even thinking about the likes of you because it makes my brain feel soiled and it turns my stomach.  I wish nothing but bad luck and misery on you because people like you deserve it, and I use the term “people” very loosely.  You aren’t even human.  You are subhuman filth.

Mark Horvath, if there was an ounce of man in you, you would have shown up in court and looked me in the eyes and said whatever you felt you needed to say.  Well, there is no man in you.  You’re not a man.  And if you think you ARE a man, then I would like to challenge you to a fight.  One on one, any parking lot in the tri-county area.  But you don’t have the stomach or the balls for it, do you?  You gutless son of a bitch.

In closing, let me say there is a special place in hell for you sorry excuses for humanity, and I promise you, as God is my witness, one day my son will know the truth about you rat fuckers and he will enjoy the legacy he deserves as my son.  He’ll eventually get away from the Sheets/Goldstrom/Radabaugh stench that permeates through this God-forsaken county, and he’ll still have a life worthy of what his upbringing should have been.

Just remember one thing, you God damn pieces of garbage:

“Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord.”  Romans 12:19

The Experience Of Love…

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This is a difficult piece to write, but timely, given the fact that it has been the topic of many recent conversations.  Not in specifics, but in the generalities of love.

I have, however, put this blog together in my mind a thousand times.  As I talked with people who tell me they have experienced love, I find it not only fascinating, but I also find it to be baffling.  And I wonder what’s wrong with me that I’ve never been able to experience these feelings with anyone.  It’s like someone is speaking Greek.

Now, when I talk of “love,” I am referring to the love of a boyfriend to a girlfriend or a husband to a wife.  Not love of family, of children or of parents, or even the love of a good friend.  I am talking strictly of love with no prior, or no blood, connection.

This idea amazes me because not only have I never experienced feeling that way about someone but no one has ever felt that way about me.  And that’s the part I had so much trouble understanding.  Love has to be a two-way street.  No way around it.

So as I have talked to others about their concepts and experiences with love, I realize I have literally never experienced this emotion.  Or really anything close to it.

I spoke to someone recently who said when you’re in love, you never want to leave the side of the person you are in love with and when you have to, you cannot wait to return.  You swell up inside when you see them.  You can’t stop thinking about them.  In a way, they become your life.  Or, they become the most important thing in your life.

First, to address “never wanting to leave the side of the person you’re with.”  I can say in all honesty I have never been around a significant other for more than 48 hours at a time and by then I was ready to get away as fast as my feet could carry me.  I believe very much in the old saying, “familiarity breeds contempt” because it is so easy for me to just get literally sick of someone to the point I don’t care if I ever see them again or not.  I can honestly say, in every long-term relationship I have ever been in, all I could think about was getting away, putting distance between us and showering as quickly as possible.

I can’t imagine being around anyone 24/7 and actually wanting to and anyone actually wanting to be around me that much.  The closest I ever came to that would have been in high school, and that was more that she wanted me around to keep an eye on me.

Next, to address “when you’re away, you can’t wait to return.”  I don’t think that far in advance.  If I’m going to be away, I’m away for a reason and that reason will be the point of my focus.  I’m certainly not saying I haven’t looked forward to seeing a woman or two or ten in my time, but I am saying that I’ve never been in a situation where I couldn’t wait to see a woman again.  No woman ever held my interest to that degree.

This idea may have been more of a byproduct of marriage than anything else, and since I have never been (nor ever will be) married, then it doesn’t apply to me anyway.

Next, to address “you swell up inside when you see them.”  I don’t understand that at all.  I do understand feeling panic, nausea, aggravation and stress when seeing someone, as I have experienced every one of those with various women over the years.  I guess you could also say I understand the opposite, because I have felt deflated at seeing some girls.

I have felt a feeling of joy and pride when I see my son, so I am assuming it is some kind of offshoot of that feeling.  I just can’t imagine feeling that way about a woman.  Wow.

Finally, to address “you can’t stop thinking about them.”  I have experienced this, but I am pretty sure its in a totally different context.  I’ve cried, I’ve been sick and I’ve been in a state of almost catatonic depression and been unable to think about nothing else than a few women I have known, but I am pretty sure that doesn’t count.  I think this was meant to say that love means thinking nice thoughts about someone, not “I wish you would go away and never darken my life again,” because that one is consistent for me.

I have had dreams about girls while I was dating them, and that stretches as far back as I can remember, but the dreams themselves were usually based on my getting away from them, so I think even subconsciously I was working from that depressed point of view.  These dreams usually involved me being in a “last man on Earth” type of scenario, which meant the women in question had basically disappeared and I was unable to find them.

Now, understand, I am not saying in any way that love isn’t a real experience and maybe it even lasts a lifetime.  I’m not trying to put the concept of love down, or say it doesn’t exist.  I’m simply saying it has never existed for me.  All of this is completely and totally off base with me.  I have never experienced any type of feelings even close to these.

I’m also not saying its not feasible that I could “fall in love” in the future, but at this point, as jaded and disinterested as I am in this whole thing, as well as the fact that I make myself as inaccessible as possible, I think the odds are greatly in my favor that I will never have to deal with this kind of thing.  But, there’s a chance I could be wrong.

For those who have experienced it, I’m sure love is an amazing thing, because it sounds like it would be.  I just don’t think its for me.  I like to think of myself as the ultimate lone wolf, and I’ve always felt that way.  I’ve been anti-marriage all my life.  That will never change.  I can’t imagine being married, but I guess if you actually were in love with someone who was in love with you, marriage would make sense.  I don’t see it.

So, going forward, I am happy just to feel the love of friends who care about me and family that I still have contact with who care.  It could be worse.  It’s not like I’m an island unto myself or anything.  And as the popular saying goes, you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and I’m still kind of working on that part.

And if I never experience what its like to love a woman and have her love me in return, well, I guess that was just God’s will.  And I certainly would not question that.  If a couple of years down the road I meet a woman who fits the bill, then I would be open to it.  I’m not ready to call it a day just yet, though I am for the rest of this year.  And if I miss a chance that comes along in 2018, well, that’s on me.  But I think everything happens for a reason and if I’m supposed to be with someone someday, it will work itself out.

Peace.