Single. Staying That Way. No, You Cannot Change My Mind. End Of Discussion.

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Recently, I announced my decision to take myself off the dating grid until August 1, 2019. I was at the breaking point trying to explain to women that I am in no position mentally to be involved in a relationship at this time, or to date anyone exclusively, or even once, for that matter. The last seven and a half years have not been kind to me and I needed to lick my wounds and let them heal before I even considered trying again.

This decision has been met with ridicule and “threats” of “I’ll be the one that can make you change your mind.” Therefore, I felt a public service announcement was in order, because sometimes you just can’t get through to people by normal means.

First, let me explain what brought me to this point. In December 2017 I got out of a relationship that was so rancid and repulsive that I sincerely thought it was going to be the death of me. And it lasted for seven years. I am eternally grateful that I was able to get out of it in one piece. But the physical and emotional toll that I went through at the hands of that pathetic piece of garbage and her bastard daughter nearly did me in. Mentally I was ready to move forward several years ago, because at no point was I actually ever in love with this woman and the idea of marrying her literally made me laugh out loud.

However, the physical and emotional toll were heavy. I put on 80 pounds through stress eating, my hair was falling out, I was sick all the time due to my immune system not functioning properly due to stress, I had stomach ulcers, I had the shakes and I was suffering from migraine headaches. All things considered, its a miracle I am alive.

Once that sorry excuse for a “relationship” was over, I kept most women at arm’s length and took few into my confidence or took much interest in them. But there was one extreme exception to that rule. A girl I met on Facebook caught my eye and my attention and we agreed to go out. We did, spent several hours talking and eating and walking and I started to fall for her fast. We had a second date, and spent some time hanging out at my house and watched a movie. I was completely and totally smitten with this girl.

Within a week of that she started ghosting me and I have heard not a single word from her since July 5. So, the one woman I was allowing myself to fall for was a complete and total flake. This just further proved my point that it was time to walk away.

Between a cockeyed, buck-toothed, inbred-looking, worthless, trash can whore and a beautiful girl with two jobs and life goals, I managed to figure out that I needed to walk away from women and not just for a week, but for an extended period of time.

So, to every woman in the world who isn’t married or engaged or spoken for, no, I have no interest in dating you right now. It doesn’t matter if you’re the lowest form of scum or the most beautiful woman in the world. The answer is no. Period.

Part of this stems from the area in which I live. I live in north central West Virginia, and its just as bad as the national media portrays it. A large percentage of the women here are literally disgusting. I’m talking about losing-your-appetite disgusting. I’m talking toothless, cockeyed, covered in meth sores and carrying who-knows-what kind of STDs.

I know my value and I have no intention of dealing with this kind of human filth.

I also refuse to do long-distance relationships because, quite honestly, they’re ridiculous. Why would I want to “date” someone I never see? I’m way too needy for that.

Yes, I have myself in kind of a catch-22 here. I don’t want to date any local trash but I also don’t want to date anyone who isn’t local. Do you see the pattern here?

I don’t want to date.

I want to spend the rest of my summer enjoying myself. Watching baseball. Working. Smoking the finest cigars. Going for drives. Upgrading my office and doing work on my PC and my gaming systems. Working on my baseball card collection. As well as things that are a little more simple, like I want to spend some time not being miserable.

During the month that I was talking to the flake who ghosted me, I legitimately thought I might be able to be happy again with a significant other. I’m not sure how that happened, or why I would have thought something so ridiculous at that point. But now that I know better, I know better than to let chance have the opportunity to do it to me again.

Any girl who has said she can be the “one to change my mind” has been told to get in line and wait for August 1, 2019. I don’t think most of them are amused at that response but the fact is, I have to be honest because that’s just who I am. I am at all times truthful and I see no reason to lead anyone on when I’m being quite public about my decision.

Everyone should make themselves happy before they even consider making anyone else happy. I know at this point that I have been so disconnected from myself for so many years that I just need some time to get used to being myself again. Doing the things I have always loved but couldn’t do. Just being me and not having to do for anyone else.

Now, I need to say, this is not about selfishness. I think when next August rolls around I’ll be a better man than I am now and that will, in turn, be better for whomever I eventually end up with, whether that’s next August or a decade from now. At this point, I’m a broken man and I’m not going to be good for anything to anyone. Who would want that?

In closing, I want to reiterate that no, I will not be changing my mind about this decision and no one on this earth is going to tell me what to do when it comes to my dating and social life. It’s not up for debate. It’s my life and I’ll do with it what I want. No one is going to change my mind or make me alter my plans. Only death can do that at this point.

Thank you for reading and God bless.

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Not For Sale: Taking Myself Off The Market, Part II (REVISED)

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After falling off the wagon a couple of times (once because I thought I was genuinely about to fall in love and once because, well, I’m a blithering idiot), I am back to square one, realizing how important it is to remove myself from the dating scene while I still have my self-respect and dignity, as well as what’s left of my mental health and sanity.

I wrote the original entry about this subject on May 23, 2018. Shortly thereafter, I sold out and went out with a girl I had originally started talking to in early April. There were a few red flags (distance between us, roughly 45 minutes, being a good example) but I found her to be beautiful, intelligent and worth the extra work considering the situation.

We went out on June 2, remained in touch daily and went out again on June 23. I was falling hard. But then, beginning on July 6, she decided to start ghosting me. We never had a disagreement or even a cross word. I kept going back in my mind trying to figure out what I had done wrong, but could not figure it out, unless I was just expecting too much and she didn’t want to deal with it. Some of my friends have other ideas, like I was maybe a “practice” date. There are also theories that maybe she has a man stashed away or has her eyes on one. Some have even speculated that maybe she’s not attracted to men. Who knows.

Ultimately, I never will. And I came to terms with that, finally. But whatever feelings I had for her have died a quick death, and I blocked her on Facebook and from being able to call or text me. An explanation, even a dishonest one (i.e. “I’m allergic to you” or “our signs aren’t compatible”) would have sufficed, rather than just ghosting me.

I was then asked out last week by a woman who lives even further away (roughly an hour) who had asked me out in February and I declined. I wasn’t really attracted to her but at first she seemed to have a fun personality. Until I got to know her better. She has a rotten personality and an ego to match. Without even having met outside of Facebook and text messaging, she announced that she didn’t like my beard and that I needed to shave it. She said she doesn’t like baseball (which is my only obsession in life) and that she would “rather poke (her) eyes out with a fork” than watch baseball. She also announced that if I was ever “lucky enough” to share her bed that I better get used to listening to white noise to go to sleep.

Wow.

Talk about a cunt. She may be the most selfish woman I have ever met, and that’s saying something. On top of not being overly attractive at all, this ego of hers was beyond anything I had ever seen. When you’re in the process of seeing if you’re compatible with someone, saying “this is how it is, get used to it” is probably not the best strategy. Had I used any common sense, the fact that I had already declined her advances once should have struck a chord with me.

Luckily, cooler heads prevailed and we never went out. That would have been a disaster of epic proportions. I hate to say it, but I give more slack on things like that to a woman who maybe has the looks to carry it off. A beautiful woman can be egotistical and get away with it. A woman who is on the opposite end of that spectrum really can’t. At all.

Which brings me back to why I made the decision to take myself off the market in the first place back in May. Dating just doesn’t work for me right now, and these two situations have made that even more clear than it was before. I know there’s no one out there for me, at least in this area, and in a way I’m thankful for that because this whole county is a hellhole that I can’t imagine meeting anyone in that I could spend the rest of my life with.

These last two were from neighboring counties, and I thought maybe I had beaten the system that way. No, they’re just as bad. While the first one was far more attractive than anyone you’ll ever meet in my area, she was still a flake of ultimate dimension. The second one was pretty much on par for what you would expect to find around here.

Too many women overvalue themselves in the marketplace. If your description of yourself includes the fact that you don’t have enough money to support yourself or you don’t like to cook or your favorite pastime is drinking yourself into a stupor, that’s not increasing your value as a potential mate. It’s making you look stupid more than anything.

Yet, there are meth-heads, drunks and legitimate whores around here who are holding out for something they’re never going to find, a decent man who would be happy to have them in their life. In my case, I have yet to find one I would even consider.

So, I am back where I started. I’ve decided I need one year to get my life back in order and kind of lick my wounds and recover from the shock and disappointment of the past seven months, as well as the seven years of abject misery I dealt with before that.

As I told a close friend of mine last night, the happiest times I can remember in my life all had one thing in common: I was single and wasn’t trying to change it.

My plan now is to take myself completely off the dating market until August 1, 2019. One year and a week, basically. Do I expect to just jump into a relationship on August 1 of next year? Of course not, but I’m not even going to consider doing so until then. I have enlisted a number of friends to do whatever it takes to keep me from falling off the wagon again. Humiliate me on Facebook with wall posts. Spray paint my Jeep. Shoot me in the leg. Anything.

I just can’t spend the rest of whatever I have left in life chasing shadows and settling for less than I want. I don’t drink (to excess, anyway), I don’t use drugs, I work, I own my own vehicle and house, I have a good income and savings, I can go buy anything I want at any time. I really have no need for a woman, as a woman won’t complete me. I am complete as it is. I will say that a woman can enhance me and my life, but she isn’t a necessity.

So why shouldn’t I enjoy myself, and if it stretches into a period longer than a year, then so be it. The same thing happened to me in 1996, I became single after a long-term relationship ended in June and decided to take the rest of 1996 off from dating. That lasted until July of 2005. I am not the least bit afraid of being alone or not being in a relationship.

You see, I came to realize a long time ago that I am at my happiest when I am single. I had such an amazing life in the late 1990s and early 2000s and sure enough, within a month of entering the relationship scene again in 2005, I was utterly miserable. And every woman I have dated since has made me miserable. Some more than others and some for ungodly periods of time.

I do want and need to address the elephant in the room. I have been asked repeatedly “but what if some cute, little, available girl comes into your life before August 1, 2019?” Well, quite simply, this: If she is, in fact, my “soulmate,” then she’ll still be around when my self-imposed exile is up. There is nothing to be accomplished for me in chasing shadows and wondering if this girl is “The One” or even considering going out with a woman who I already know is not “The One.”

Life isn’t that complicated. If you don’t feel anything for someone, if there’s no attraction there or there’s no feeling of desire to see someone, she’s not “it.”

I had to have that beaten into me between 2010 and 2017 and it seems that maybe the lesson still hasn’t taken hold. If I can stay with someone until December 2017 that I have hated with a bloody passion since at least 2013 and likely before that, I clearly have no sense.

It’s clear that I need to be taken away from the general public for a long stretch and learn how to function as a normal human being again without making an arse of myself constantly. Thus, my decision to enter my self-imposed exile, that I think I will truly enjoy. I recently upgraded my cigar humidor and bought a beautiful selection of premium sticks that I will enjoy sitting outside smoking and listening to the White Sox games on the radio and no one will even have to poke their eyes out.

In closing, I hope the two women mentioned within this post get exactly what they deserve in life and reap what they are sowing. As for myself, I hope I have as good a time for the next nine years as I had the last time I went into exile. Be they alone or with my “soulmate,” wherever she may be. I figure if she’s out there, she’ll find me in due time. And it won’t be until at least August of 2019.

Thank you for visiting and reading…

My Thoughts On: The Chicago White Sox Rebuild

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As the Chicago White Sox rebuild continues, and a number of potential trades are making the rounds nine days before the non-waiver trade deadline, I take stock of where the team is and where it hopes to be in the future. And I’m not liking the look of things.

Critics will immediately say “the rebuild is right on schedule,” or “we have one of the top three farm systems in baseball” or “the team is flush with cash, we can sign superstar free agents!” Well, let’s start there and address each of these thoughts, then I’ll go further into why I am worried about the situation as a whole, and why the future scares me.

“The Rebuild Is Right On Schedule”

For now. The Pittsburgh Pirates began a rebuild in 1993 and it was right on schedule at one point. I remember it was a five-year plan, they were going to rebuild the farm system and have the team ready to contend in five years. Well, they never got that far because they trashed it and started over in 1996. And a new five year plan was put in place. Then a few years later it was trashed. This continued on for 20 years before the team actually started to compete again, and the Pirates became one of the laughingstocks of Major League Baseball.

Sometimes these things don’t go to plan. You might think you have it all laid out and some of the players you are most counting on fail to develop. Or get injured. Maybe they’re just not as good as they seemed. Maybe they’re AAAA players; they excel at AAA but fail at the MLB level, too good for the minor leagues but struggle at the Major League level.

I worry about this as I watch Tim Anderson (.241) and Yoan Moncada (.234), two of our better prospects and the “first wave” of youngsters to hold down full-time MLB positions, fail to reach a .250 batting average. On the pitching end, Lucas Giolito is struggling to a 6.18 ERA. These kids are supposed to be a major part of the rebuild, part of the foundation that we build a winner on. And I don’t think anyone expected them to struggle to this extreme.

So what happens when the foundation doesn’t stand? You have to scrap it and begin again, as the Pirates did 25 years ago. And how much rope do you give these kids?

We Have One Of The Top Three Farm Systems In Baseball”

The White Sox rebuild began at the end of the 2016 season, when they traded Chris Sale to the Boston Red Sox for four prospects and Adam Eaton to the Washington Nationals for three pitching prospects. Of the seven players acquired, six have stuck and still have a bright future as far as their progress through the organization is concerned.

Then several months later, the White Sox traded Jose Quintana to the Chicago Cubs for four prospects. All four of whom are still in the organization and playing well.

Bottom line is, that’s ten players acquired in total, along with a number of players the White Sox have drafted in recent years who are considered top prospects, including catcher Zack Collins, first baseman Gavin Sheets, and this year’s top draft pick, Nick Madrigal.

White Sox general manager Rick Hahn has said himself that he expects the return on all these players to peak at about 25%, meaning only one out of four will develop into a star at the Major League level. So feasibly, this entire rebuild could produce four or five MLB regulars. Let’s suppose Eloy Jimenez, picked up in the Quintana deal is one of those, along with Moncada, Michael Kopech (acquired in the Sale deal), Reynaldo Lopez (acquired in the Eaton trade) and Dylan Cease, also picked up in the Quintana deal.

And let’s sweeten it a bit further and say Madrigal develops into a star, even though he is technically blocked at both positions he plays (at second base by Moncada and at shortstop by Anderson), its possible a position change for someone could result in all three having a spot in the lineup. And maybe a darkhorse develops somewhere in the minors and reaches stardom beyond what anyone had anticipated for him.

You’re still well short of a full Major League roster that’s ready to compete, but in that event we have thought number three, and that’s the one I dislike the most.

“The Team Is Flush With Cash, We Can Sign Superstar Free Agents”

Only twice in the history of this franchise has there been a free-agent signing of a legitimate “superstar.” The first was in 1981 when Carlton Fisk, a future Hall Of Fame catcher, signed after his contract from the Boston Red Sox was mailed to him late. The second was malcontent Albert Belle, who was signed to a five-year, $55 million contract that included an out that allowed him to void the deal if he was not among the top three highest-paid players in the league. Following year two, he did just that, and headed for Baltimore.

Top free agents have never signed with the White Sox. Never. The largest contract the team ever gave out was to Jose Abreu prior to the 2014 season, a six-year, $68 million deal, which he also opted out of and opted into arbitration. So not only have the White Sox never signed a player to a $100 million deal, they’ve never signed a player to a $70 million deal.

In fact, let’s look at the last White Sox rebuild, the 1997 “white flag trade” that ended the Sox short run as contenders in the mid-1990s but did set them up to win the 2000 American League Central title. That team featured a number of legitimate stars, none of whom was acquired as a free agent and certainly none who were paid like it. Paul Konerko (trade), Frank Thomas (draft), Carlos Lee (amateur free agent), Magglio Ordonez (amateur free agent), James Baldwin (draft), Jim Parque (draft) and Keith Foulke (acquired in the “white flag” trade).

In the early 1990s the New York Yankees were flush with cash, and free agents turned them down regularly, including Greg Maddux (who signed with the Atlanta Braves) and Barry Bonds (who signed with the San Francisco Giants), both of whom took less money than the Yankees were offering. Just because you make the biggest offer doesn’t mean players are going to sign, sometimes there are better offers but with less money.

Adding to this issue is the fact that two of the teams that have the most cash for free agent signings also have outstanding farm systems, the Yankees and the Los Angeles Dodgers. These teams have money to burn but also have a lot of really good minor league talent, on par with the White Sox and maybe, in the case of the Yankees, superior to the White Sox system. So all things being equal, is a superstar free agent more likely to take a $150 million deal from the Yankees, with their history, bottomless cash reserves, MLB talent and minor league talent or a $60 million deal from the White Sox with their lack of MLB talent and excellent minor league system? Mark my words, major free agents (Manny Machado, Clayton Kershaw, Bryce Harper, etc.) are not even giving the White Sox consideration. Not when the Dodgers or Yankees or Cubs or Phillies can offer them four times what the White Sox will offer.

The bottom line is, the White Sox are walking on a razors’ edge, they need to beat the percentages and have more of their prospects reach stardom than the average 25%. In addition to that, they need superstar free agents to look past the weather, the far-below-average coaching staff, the long history of losing and the fact that they can make more money elsewhere to sign with a team that may or may not develop minor league talent into Major League talent. I would hate to be the one assigned to make that sales pitch.

Having said all of that, I still love my team and certainly wish nothing but the best on the team, as well as for myself and my friends who are fans. We all want to win. But I have been a fan of this organization for 27 years and I have four division titles and one World Series win to show for it. To put that into perspective, in that same 27-year period, the New York Yankees have won 13 division titles (and six Wild Card births) and seven World Series titles.

It’s hard to be a White Sox fan and it’s hard to put a lot of faith in anything connected to this team just based on a lifetime of mediocrity and worse-than-mediocrity. The fact that we have one of the most lackluster coaching staffs in baseball makes it that much more difficult to get excited about the future. If this team were truly looking to field a winner, it would start at the top with an excellent field manager and a staff that would teach the youngsters the right way to play the game. We have none of that right now. And its a good place to start.

As I write this, the White Sox are 34-63, 29 games under .500 and 20 games out of first place (and five games out of last place). Some think it will just instantly click for the youngsters, all of the minor league prospects will develop, the team will sign a number of superstar free agents and win several World Series titles between 2020 and 2025.

Some of us would love to see that but common sense says otherwise.

Regardless, I still maintain my South Side Pride. Go Sox!

“…Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord…”

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To the ugly, buck-toothed, cockeyed, worthless, good-for-nothing, lying, cheating, backstabbing, inbred-looking, step-sibling-fucking, chicken fucking, dirt bag, hood rat, penniless, trash can whore, sicko, piece of shit who took my son away from me…

To her miserable, lying, worthless, brat, bastard kid, who facilitated such a thing because she couldn’t deal with me raising my son the way I wanted to see him raised, with everything he ever wanted, and her jealousy pushed her over the edge…

And to the lying, gutless, son of a bitch who was too scared to show up to court in January to look me in the eyes like a man, who testified on the phone and lied to a Family Court judge and pushed all of this forward, manipulating everything to force an outcome, but couldn’t finish what you started…

Angela Sheets and Megan Sheets…  You two are the scum of the earth, the lowest of the low.  But know one thing, God’s wrath awaits you.  I wasted seven years and thousands and thousands of dollars on people that weren’t worth the fuzz I pull out of my pockets every day.  I’ll waste no more time even thinking about the likes of you because it makes my brain feel soiled and it turns my stomach.  I wish nothing but bad luck and misery on you because people like you deserve it, and I use the term “people” very loosely.  You aren’t even human.  You are subhuman filth.

Mark Horvath, if there was an ounce of man in you, you would have shown up in court and looked me in the eyes and said whatever you felt you needed to say.  Well, there is no man in you.  You’re not a man.  And if you think you ARE a man, then I would like to challenge you to a fight.  One on one, any parking lot in the tri-county area.  But you don’t have the stomach or the balls for it, do you?  You gutless son of a bitch.

In closing, let me say there is a special place in hell for you sorry excuses for humanity, and I promise you, as God is my witness, one day my son will know the truth about you rat fuckers and he will enjoy the legacy he deserves as my son.  He’ll eventually get away from the Sheets/Goldstrom/Radabaugh stench that permeates through this God-forsaken county, and he’ll still have a life worthy of what his upbringing should have been.

Just remember one thing, you God damn pieces of garbage:

“Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord.”  Romans 12:19

Not For Sale: Taking Myself Off The Market

This blog entry was not planned, I kind of “stumbled across” this concept last night while I was on Facebook. A good friend of mine was contemplating online dating and I proceeded to tell him that sometimes it’s best to just take yourself off the market, like I had done in 2009-10, and live for yourself, and make yourself happy and productive.

Then I realized what a hypocrite I am.

Since I turned 18, I have spent roughly 12 years in miserable, unhappy relationships with various women and 10 years as a happy and contented single man. And there is NO question, on any level, regarding whether my life is happier single, or taken. None.

My stress level when I am in a relationship has pushed my body to break down in numerous ways. Heart problems. My hair falling out. Ulcers. Migraine headaches. Being more susceptible to airborne illnesses and taking longer to recover. Inability to sleep. A consistent bad mood. Overeating. Twitching eyes. I am quick to anger and this makes not only me unhappy, but those around me who have to deal with my very short fuse.

When I am single, it’s a different world. My stress level drops enormously and everything else starts to come together and I get healthier and happier. And it’s not a subtle change; it’s overwhelming. I really feel like life is worth living again.

I’m going to be honest about something I have never admitted to publicly and only a few close friends are aware:  I have had two episodes of suicide contemplation; the first was in the fall of 2009 and was due to me feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship.  The second was in early 2017 and was due to me feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship.

Everything I had suggested to my friend, I realized I was not doing. I wasn’t living for me. I was doing the exact opposite. I was spending hours talking to this girl or that girl rather than unplugging myself completely and doing things that I enjoy doing.  I was ready to wrap myself up in another round of unhappiness and there was no reasoning behind it.

Some people have questioned me over the past several months about why I consistently either turn down or blow off women who are interested in meeting or dating.  I think I had already made up my mind to avoid relationships without admitting it to myself.

Part of this comes from societal pressures. If you’re not in a committed relationship, you should be. Regardless of whether it contributes to your happiness or misery. It’s more about the reaction and approval of others than anything on a personal level. That’s wrong.  It doesn’t matter how you slice it, you have to live for yourself, no one else.

So, in the tradition of “physician, heal thyself,” I realized I needed to take my own advice. Which means effectively taking myself off the relationship market. Leaving myself open to make similar stupid mistakes to ones I have made in the past wouldn’t help me at all.

My decision-making processes where women are concerned have not been good. It’s not just that if I had two to choose from, I would choose the wrong one; when I had close to 30 to choose from, I still chose the wrong one. And when I say wrong, I mean WRONG.

I think anyone who has gotten out of a long-term relationship needs to take an extended break. A year, if possible. And if the relationship was an unhappy one, or as miserable as all of mine have been, maybe longer.  Maybe a permanent vacation could be called for.

And yes, I know that admitting that every relationship I have been in was soul-crushingly unhappy makes it look as though the problem may be on my end. And I admit as much. And that’s even more reason to remove myself from the dating pool. If I know I am gonna be miserable going in, there’s hardly any benefit to going ahead and doing it.

I just want to be happy. And enjoy myself. And from my personal experiences, I have to be single in order to do that. I can do the things I enjoy doing and I don’t have to compromise anything. I can do what I want, when I want, where I want, and I don’t have to answer to anyone. Why jeopardize that just to make someone else miserable and myself miserable at the same time? That has accomplished nothing for anyone involved.

I have been anti-marriage as long as I can remember. That will never change. I can’t even imagine how miserable marriage would be had I ever been stupid enough to try it in any of my past situations. But now I am as close to anti-relationship as I could get. And let’s face it, a relationship is nothing more than a gateway to marriage.  That’s a fact.

So, for at least the rest of 2018, I am “single, not available.” I wish Facebook had an option to make that your relationships status.  It’s not all that far-fetched, as AOL used to have that option available for profiles. And if things work out as well for me as a single man in 2018 as they did in 2010 or even 1996, this may be my permanent status for the rest of my life. As the saying goes, I don’t need anyone to complete me.  I’m a complete person.

I am going to live for me. Do the things I enjoy and live my life the way I see fit, not the way someone else decides I should do it. This is my life, and I will do with it what I feel is in my best interest. And for now, that’s being single. And there’s a chance that may never change. And if that’s the case, so be it. No regrets. It’s my life. I just can’t justify putting my life, happiness and enjoyments in the hands of someone who has no right to them.  Will some people disagree?  Of course.  But you do what’s best for you, and I’ll do what’s best for me, and avoiding relationships in general is the best thing for me right now.

And for those who understand, and support me in this decision, I thank you.  My closest confidants have told me that this was the right move for months.  And I finally have to admit that I agree, and admit its good to have people who care looking out for me.

In conclusion, 2018 is MY year.  And if I wake up on New Year’s Day 2019 and I am unhappy, I may re-evaluate my life’s decisions.  If not, the status quo can remain in place.  But until that day, my #1 goal is to avoid relationships and if anyone thinks they can or need to change my mind, rest assured, it’s not changing.  I am committed to this to the point that I will completely disconnect from anyone who wants to push the envelope.  I’m as close to completely happy right now as I have been in almost eight years.  I’m not willing to give that up for anyone or anything.  My life is not for sale.

Peace. ✌️

Relationships: An Outsider’s Perspective, Volume II

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As I was visiting with my mom a couple of days ago, she broached a subject I was hoping we would not have to discuss:  Relationships.  The reason I hate discussing this with her is that I don’t need to be reminded that my taste in women is atrocious and that every time I have been in what would loosely be termed “a relationship,” I passed up a lot of better options to settle for far less than I deserved every single time.  I know all of this, and have to live with it, but she feels the need to remind me.

But this discussion was different.  It wasn’t about my poor choices and stupid mistakes of the past, it was about the future.  And I had not given much thought to the future.  I have been living with a day-to-day perspective throughout 2018, and the idea of thinking a day or a week or a month ahead isn’t something I had been doing to any extent.

I have, however, discussed it a bit with my two closest confidants at times.

The last time I was single for an extensive period of time, I had a list of rules to help me weed out the losers from the potential winners.  It wasn’t the type of rules that most people think of (specific height, weight, hair color, etc.) but was more guidelines to separate the trash from the treasures, i.e. “must have a job,” “must have a car” and “no crazy ex’s.”  The kind of thing a nice, middle-class girl should have.

The problem with that kind of thinking is that I looked past the more obvious points I should have been considering, like “is this someone I can stand being around for more than a couple of hours?”  Or, “is this someone I could marry in the future?”

To make matters worse, I not only totally disregarded those obvious questions but threw my guidelines away as well and settled for everything I never wanted.

This time around, I’m smart enough to put everything into perspective.

To put it a little more simply, as I said to one of my confidants a couple of days ago, “I want a woman I can’t live without, not a woman I can’t live with.”  Which means I not only want a woman who fits the obvious prerequisites (mutual attraction, mutual interests, etc.) as well as my own personal requirements (the aforementioned job and car, etc.), but also now fits the questions I should have been asking all along.

Obviously, this is going to thin the herd down to pretty much nothing.  And I’m OK with that.  Because at this point, at 40 years old, I shouldn’t have to settle for anything less than I actually want, and I am perfectly and totally happy as things stand.

So, I sat down again with mom today and said “at this point, given everyone I have met and where everything stands, no, I’ll never be in a relationship again.  Granted, that could change tomorrow depending on who I meet, but right now, no.”

If I don’t see a future with someone, I’m not going to waste the present on them.  It isn’t fair to me and at my age, I’m ready to either settle down with someone, or settle down alone.  And since I am living pretty comfortably right now, I see no reason to change that for someone unless she is going to be a permanent part of my life.

I wish everyone would adopt my philosophy, as a lot fewer bad relationships would result and the dramatics that result from those bad relationships wouldn’t happen.  Of course, I realize some people thrive on bad relationships, as a way of getting attention online or from friends.  Realize that this isn’t healthy or good for anyone.

I am going forward, alone or not, the wheels will roll.  If there’s someone out there that is my “forever,” then eventually I’ll meet her.  If not, I’m going to be happy and enjoy my life anyway.  I don’t need anyone to completely me, I’m a complete person, as is.  But I am not closing the door to anything that may develop down the road.

There is White Sox baseball to watch, fine cigars to be smoked, excellent food and whiskey to be consumed and life to be lived.  And that’s what I’m doing.  I’m not settling for less than the best in any facet of my life going forward.  Ever again.

Peace.

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times…

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That classic line, from the opening of “A Tale Of Two Cities,” by Charles Dickens, certainly proves to be the perfect adage for my life at this time, and if we boil it down to the past six months, it’s amazing to not only see the change in my life and my health, but the absolute extremes that I have lived through in both directions.

The only difference would be that my life plays out in reverse order, as it had been the worst of times, and then three months ago it became the best.

As we scroll back to October 2017, I was about to hit rock bottom.  I was miserable.  I couldn’t sleep.  I was constantly sick, whether it was sinus infections or viruses or any kind of sickness that happened to be going around, my immune system was shot.  I had stomach ulcers which meant that even though I could eat, I was in constant pain and had to take medication on numerous occasions to try to fix that issue.

Then I started getting migraine headaches.  My eyeballs would “jump,” which I looked up online and found that this issue was most commonly caused by anxiety.  Huge surprise, there.  I was also around 80 pounds overweight.  By the time November was closing, I was so miserably unhappy thoughts of death were a normal part of every day.  Not that I was actively planning to commit suicide, but I was praying that perhaps one night I would go to bed and maybe, as per the Megadeth song, “wake up dead.”

My hair started to fall out.  I hated my job, but had to make the money.

People were spending money faster than I was making it, but luckily I had cash reserves, so it wasn’t like anyone was doing without.  And seeing that my son had everything that he wanted was the most important thing, I wanted him to grow up knowing that he had a great childhood, just like I did.  I had the greatest childhood anyone ever had.  I wouldn’t trade my childhood memories, or my life in general, for anything.

And things started to change for me.

The realization that I was finally, totally, completely and eternally out of a horrible situation that I was in was the first step in making my life better.  And once I started to fall into a normal schedule, circa 2010 before I got into that set of circumstances, I could feel a real change beginning to take hold.  And my body started to respond.

Now that I am past that and in a happier position, I can legitimately say this is the best of times.  I can go where I want, when I want and do as I please without having to tell anyone what I’m doing.  My hair has stopped falling out.  I’m losing weight.  I can sleep at night.  I quit my job and became self-employed, and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I have had a total of one migraine headache in three months.  I have had no stomach problems and one sinus infection in that time.

Now that baseball season is here, and MLB The Show 18 is going to drop in about two weeks, I can look forward to a great summer.  I don’t have to be anywhere except where I want to be.  I plan on taking in at least a few, if not a lot, of West Virginia Black Bears baseball games this summer.  Long days in the pool.  Grilling.  Even simple things like mowing the lawn and tending to the garden.  Watching the sun set while I listen to a White Sox game on the radio with a flask of whiskey and a cigar.

I’ve bled for everyone else, I’ve done for everyone else.  Now its time to do for me.  This is the best of times.  The worst of times are behind me.  I will render them so insignificant that I hope I can eventually forget them, rather than continue to hate them.  Because life is too short to hate anything, let alone anything so truly unimportant.

In closing, the lesson that anyone who sees this should take from it is that life is much too short to be unhappy and suffering to the point of your body physically breaking down.  This is not the answer.  Suffering through the worst of times did nothing to make my life any better and at this moment in time I literally have nothing to show for it other than the hatred I have for those whom I had to deal with at that time.  But as dark as the past is, the future is just as bright, and I’m gonna live it for all its worth.

Peace, and God bless.