I’m tired.

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I’m tired.

I’m tired of being tired.

I’m tired of watching my life float away as I brood over the unfairness and misery I have dealt with over the past decade of my life.

I’m tired of being 80 pounds overweight and feeling like a big, fat fuck.

I’m tired of not pursuing my passions.

I’m tired of people not respecting my boundaries and decisions.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m in a haze all day and laying awake all night.

I’m tired of the overwhelming humidity.

I’m tired of thinking too much.

I’m tired of not feeling like me.

I’m tired of arguing.

I’m just tired.

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Single. Staying That Way. No, You Cannot Change My Mind. End Of Discussion.

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Recently, I announced my decision to take myself off the dating grid until August 1, 2019. I was at the breaking point trying to explain to women that I am in no position mentally to be involved in a relationship at this time, or to date anyone exclusively, or even once, for that matter. The last seven and a half years have not been kind to me and I needed to lick my wounds and let them heal before I even considered trying again.

This decision has been met with ridicule and “threats” of “I’ll be the one that can make you change your mind.” Therefore, I felt a public service announcement was in order, because sometimes you just can’t get through to people by normal means.

First, let me explain what brought me to this point. In December 2017 I got out of a relationship that was so rancid and repulsive that I sincerely thought it was going to be the death of me. And it lasted for seven years. I am eternally grateful that I was able to get out of it in one piece. But the physical and emotional toll that I went through at the hands of that pathetic piece of garbage and her bastard daughter nearly did me in. Mentally I was ready to move forward several years ago, because at no point was I actually ever in love with this woman and the idea of marrying her literally made me laugh out loud.

However, the physical and emotional toll were heavy. I put on 80 pounds through stress eating, my hair was falling out, I was sick all the time due to my immune system not functioning properly due to stress, I had stomach ulcers, I had the shakes and I was suffering from migraine headaches. All things considered, its a miracle I am alive.

Once that sorry excuse for a “relationship” was over, I kept most women at arm’s length and took few into my confidence or took much interest in them. But there was one extreme exception to that rule. A girl I met on Facebook caught my eye and my attention and we agreed to go out. We did, spent several hours talking and eating and walking and I started to fall for her fast. We had a second date, and spent some time hanging out at my house and watched a movie. I was completely and totally smitten with this girl.

Within a week of that she started ghosting me and I have heard not a single word from her since July 5. So, the one woman I was allowing myself to fall for was a complete and total flake. This just further proved my point that it was time to walk away.

Between a cockeyed, buck-toothed, inbred-looking, worthless, trash can whore and a beautiful girl with two jobs and life goals, I managed to figure out that I needed to walk away from women and not just for a week, but for an extended period of time.

So, to every woman in the world who isn’t married or engaged or spoken for, no, I have no interest in dating you right now. It doesn’t matter if you’re the lowest form of scum or the most beautiful woman in the world. The answer is no. Period.

Part of this stems from the area in which I live. I live in north central West Virginia, and its just as bad as the national media portrays it. A large percentage of the women here are literally disgusting. I’m talking about losing-your-appetite disgusting. I’m talking toothless, cockeyed, covered in meth sores and carrying who-knows-what kind of STDs.

I know my value and I have no intention of dealing with this kind of human filth.

I also refuse to do long-distance relationships because, quite honestly, they’re ridiculous. Why would I want to “date” someone I never see? I’m way too needy for that.

Yes, I have myself in kind of a catch-22 here. I don’t want to date any local trash but I also don’t want to date anyone who isn’t local. Do you see the pattern here?

I don’t want to date.

I want to spend the rest of my summer enjoying myself. Watching baseball. Working. Smoking the finest cigars. Going for drives. Upgrading my office and doing work on my PC and my gaming systems. Working on my baseball card collection. As well as things that are a little more simple, like I want to spend some time not being miserable.

During the month that I was talking to the flake who ghosted me, I legitimately thought I might be able to be happy again with a significant other. I’m not sure how that happened, or why I would have thought something so ridiculous at that point. But now that I know better, I know better than to let chance have the opportunity to do it to me again.

Any girl who has said she can be the “one to change my mind” has been told to get in line and wait for August 1, 2019. I don’t think most of them are amused at that response but the fact is, I have to be honest because that’s just who I am. I am at all times truthful and I see no reason to lead anyone on when I’m being quite public about my decision.

Everyone should make themselves happy before they even consider making anyone else happy. I know at this point that I have been so disconnected from myself for so many years that I just need some time to get used to being myself again. Doing the things I have always loved but couldn’t do. Just being me and not having to do for anyone else.

Now, I need to say, this is not about selfishness. I think when next August rolls around I’ll be a better man than I am now and that will, in turn, be better for whomever I eventually end up with, whether that’s next August or a decade from now. At this point, I’m a broken man and I’m not going to be good for anything to anyone. Who would want that?

In closing, I want to reiterate that no, I will not be changing my mind about this decision and no one on this earth is going to tell me what to do when it comes to my dating and social life. It’s not up for debate. It’s my life and I’ll do with it what I want. No one is going to change my mind or make me alter my plans. Only death can do that at this point.

Thank you for reading and God bless.

“…Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord…”

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To the ugly, buck-toothed, cockeyed, worthless, good-for-nothing, lying, cheating, backstabbing, inbred-looking, step-sibling-fucking, chicken fucking, dirt bag, hood rat, penniless, trash can whore, sicko, piece of shit who took my son away from me…

To her miserable, lying, worthless, brat, bastard kid, who facilitated such a thing because she couldn’t deal with me raising my son the way I wanted to see him raised, with everything he ever wanted, and her jealousy pushed her over the edge…

And to the lying, gutless, son of a bitch who was too scared to show up to court in January to look me in the eyes like a man, who testified on the phone and lied to a Family Court judge and pushed all of this forward, manipulating everything to force an outcome, but couldn’t finish what you started…

Angela Sheets and Megan Sheets…  You two are the scum of the earth, the lowest of the low.  But know one thing, God’s wrath awaits you.  I wasted seven years and thousands and thousands of dollars on people that weren’t worth the fuzz I pull out of my pockets every day.  I’ll waste no more time even thinking about the likes of you because it makes my brain feel soiled and it turns my stomach.  I wish nothing but bad luck and misery on you because people like you deserve it, and I use the term “people” very loosely.  You aren’t even human.  You are subhuman filth.

Mark Horvath, if there was an ounce of man in you, you would have shown up in court and looked me in the eyes and said whatever you felt you needed to say.  Well, there is no man in you.  You’re not a man.  And if you think you ARE a man, then I would like to challenge you to a fight.  One on one, any parking lot in the tri-county area.  But you don’t have the stomach or the balls for it, do you?  You gutless son of a bitch.

In closing, let me say there is a special place in hell for you sorry excuses for humanity, and I promise you, as God is my witness, one day my son will know the truth about you rat fuckers and he will enjoy the legacy he deserves as my son.  He’ll eventually get away from the Sheets/Goldstrom/Radabaugh stench that permeates through this God-forsaken county, and he’ll still have a life worthy of what his upbringing should have been.

Just remember one thing, you God damn pieces of garbage:

“Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord.”  Romans 12:19

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times…

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That classic line, from the opening of “A Tale Of Two Cities,” by Charles Dickens, certainly proves to be the perfect adage for my life at this time, and if we boil it down to the past six months, it’s amazing to not only see the change in my life and my health, but the absolute extremes that I have lived through in both directions.

The only difference would be that my life plays out in reverse order, as it had been the worst of times, and then three months ago it became the best.

As we scroll back to October 2017, I was about to hit rock bottom.  I was miserable.  I couldn’t sleep.  I was constantly sick, whether it was sinus infections or viruses or any kind of sickness that happened to be going around, my immune system was shot.  I had stomach ulcers which meant that even though I could eat, I was in constant pain and had to take medication on numerous occasions to try to fix that issue.

Then I started getting migraine headaches.  My eyeballs would “jump,” which I looked up online and found that this issue was most commonly caused by anxiety.  Huge surprise, there.  I was also around 80 pounds overweight.  By the time November was closing, I was so miserably unhappy thoughts of death were a normal part of every day.  Not that I was actively planning to commit suicide, but I was praying that perhaps one night I would go to bed and maybe, as per the Megadeth song, “wake up dead.”

My hair started to fall out.  I hated my job, but had to make the money.

People were spending money faster than I was making it, but luckily I had cash reserves, so it wasn’t like anyone was doing without.  And seeing that my son had everything that he wanted was the most important thing, I wanted him to grow up knowing that he had a great childhood, just like I did.  I had the greatest childhood anyone ever had.  I wouldn’t trade my childhood memories, or my life in general, for anything.

And things started to change for me.

The realization that I was finally, totally, completely and eternally out of a horrible situation that I was in was the first step in making my life better.  And once I started to fall into a normal schedule, circa 2010 before I got into that set of circumstances, I could feel a real change beginning to take hold.  And my body started to respond.

Now that I am past that and in a happier position, I can legitimately say this is the best of times.  I can go where I want, when I want and do as I please without having to tell anyone what I’m doing.  My hair has stopped falling out.  I’m losing weight.  I can sleep at night.  I quit my job and became self-employed, and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I have had a total of one migraine headache in three months.  I have had no stomach problems and one sinus infection in that time.

Now that baseball season is here, and MLB The Show 18 is going to drop in about two weeks, I can look forward to a great summer.  I don’t have to be anywhere except where I want to be.  I plan on taking in at least a few, if not a lot, of West Virginia Black Bears baseball games this summer.  Long days in the pool.  Grilling.  Even simple things like mowing the lawn and tending to the garden.  Watching the sun set while I listen to a White Sox game on the radio with a flask of whiskey and a cigar.

I’ve bled for everyone else, I’ve done for everyone else.  Now its time to do for me.  This is the best of times.  The worst of times are behind me.  I will render them so insignificant that I hope I can eventually forget them, rather than continue to hate them.  Because life is too short to hate anything, let alone anything so truly unimportant.

In closing, the lesson that anyone who sees this should take from it is that life is much too short to be unhappy and suffering to the point of your body physically breaking down.  This is not the answer.  Suffering through the worst of times did nothing to make my life any better and at this moment in time I literally have nothing to show for it other than the hatred I have for those whom I had to deal with at that time.  But as dark as the past is, the future is just as bright, and I’m gonna live it for all its worth.

Peace, and God bless.

Your Time On Earth Is Finite… Your Happiness Doesn’t Need To Be

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“Every man is put on earth condemned to die, time and method of execution unknown.” – Rod Serling, The Twilight Zone episode, “The Escape Clause”

It would seem that the concept of having limited time to do everything we want to do in life would make people want to pursue their dreams and wants and desires. But for some reason, from my own experience as well as from my observations of others, most of us are content to just sit around and let life pass us by. If we’re lucky enough to have good fortune, we don’t grab onto it and get all we can, we simply accept that we had a run of good luck and let it go. Then we go back to complaining and doing nothing to try to make our lives what we want it to be. We just go on “living.”

The fact that so many of us have spent time unhappy and did nothing to fix the situation or improve it or get out of it distresses me greatly, and I have been as guilty as anyone in this respect. When I add up the years I wasted, either being miserable or just not being completely happy, it starts to eat up a large chunk of my life.

This is completely unacceptable.

The fact is, as simple as it may sound, there is no need to be unhappy or miserable. I have been happier in the past three months than I was in the past decade. Once I got my head screwed on straight and realized how miserable I had been, I was able to look at my life a lot more objectively than I had before and size things up for myself.

Sometimes we legitimately don’t realize we are miserable.  My hair was falling out, I was 80 pounds overweight, I had developed ulcers and migraine headaches and I couldn’t sleep at night. I think I may have been suffering from a type of Stockholm Syndrome, feelings of trust or affection felt in certain cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim toward a captor. So I tried to make myself feel like I was just an idiot if I felt unhappy at all.  I just kept going on, day by day, trying to act “normal.”

Well, I didn’t just feel unhappy, words could never accurately describe how miserable I truly was. And once I was honest with myself, I had to start asking the hard questions; why would anyone allow themselves to be miserable and unhappy? What does that accomplish for anybody? When you have dreams and wants and aspirations, what is to be accomplished by just sitting on them?  Who wants to live that way?

Here I stand today, free of all of the misery I was dealing with on a daily basis and I am able to pursue the opportunities I want, that I have wanted for years but was rarely able to verbalize until now.  I am finally able to be myself again.

I am free to pursue the enjoyments of life that are mine to enjoy. I can go where I want, when I want, without having to answer to anyone on this planet. That is a good feeling after years of what amounted to a combination of imprisonment, brainwashing and slavery. I have earned all that is before me.  And I will take advantage of it.

Your time on earth is finite, you don’t have 5,000 years to fix your problems and find your happiness. You don’t have 10,000 years or even 200 years. You have 80 years or less to make your life everything you want it to be. The first 20 of those years are spent growing up. So now you’re down to 60 years. Since I’m 40 that means I have blown over half of my available time, assuming I live to 80. And out of those 40, I was in some level of misery for roughly 1/4 years. Again, that is totally unacceptable.

So, if you’re reading this, please, for the love of God, if you are in some situation that you are unhappy with, do something to change it! There is no excuse on heaven or in earth to not be happy and do everything you can to reach all of your dreams and aspirations.

I know that sometimes it feels hopeless. I know that sometimes we just don’t have the willpower or the mental strength to extricate ourselves from a situation we find ourselves in. I’ve been there. But the feeling of getting away from the unhappiness, and the subsequent improvement in life, both physically and mentally (and even emotionally) is well worth any short-term unhappiness you may suffer from.

I hope this will help someone that needs it, that needs a kick in the pants to either start living, or get out of a bad situation to start attempting to live. Life is too short to waste. There is so much happiness to be had and its there for the taking. Just have the courage to go get it. Or give it your best shot. Sometimes even if you fall short, you at least gave it a try and sometimes the journey is as rewarding as the destination.

In closing, let me try to make you understand that while its never to late to start, the longer you wait, the shorter your happiness will be, and there’s no excuse for that. I would love to have the wasted years of my life back but it doesn’t work that way, so I have to be happy with the 20 or 30 I have ahead of me. And I am, I plan on making the most of them and doing everything I have always wanted to do. It’s just a matter of getting started, and the first step is not only the hardest, but the longest. But you can do it if you set your mind to it and disregard all that’s held you back.

Peace, and God bless.

Yes, You CAN Make Yourself Happy No Matter How “Depressed” You Are

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There seems to be an epidemic spreading throughout social media today, and its just an overwhelming amount of whining and complaining and moaning.  Everyone is unhappy or heartbroken or depressed or forgotten.  Well, here’s the deal, kids.  Unless you have a chemical imbalance or legitimate psychotic depression, there is something you can do about it.  And yes, it is as simple as just BEING HAPPY.

First, take stock of why you are feeling the way you are.  Someone has done something to you, has hurt you in some way or another.  It could be a friendship ending over a difference of opinion or a relationship coming to an end or an argument with a family member.  Whatever the reason, understand that its trivial at best and no reason to spend the day on Facebook telling everyone how unhappy you are.

Second, remember the person you were before this situation happened.  Think about the things you enjoyed doing.  Are you doing them now, or are you sitting in a chair with a tear in your eye, sighing “woe is me” and feeling sorry for yourself?  And maybe, as I have witnessed in a few instances, becoming angry because no one else is feeling sorry for you?  Do you think any of that is helping your situation at all?

You were a person before you became a depressed bowl of mushy feelings.  You went places and did things and had hobbies and none of those things involved sitting around whining and trying to get attention on social media.  Are you hoping the person who has wronged you will see it and see the error of their ways?  Don’t count on it.  Especially if it was an angry friendship or relationship breakup, I promise you the other person not only doesn’t care what you are doing, but is actively avoiding you.

I know this from experience, because I actively avoid people that have been eliminated from my life, whether relationship or friendship.  I don’t care where they are or what they are doing.  I also don’t spend my life looking up somber Facebook posts.  I would rather spend my days watching baseball and posting fun posts for my friends to enjoy.  I would rather spread a little smile than another repetitive frown.

Maybe its the time of year, people tend to be more miserable in the winter, cabin fever and that kind of thing but at least in my area of the country, that shouldn’t be an issue, we haven’t had enough snow this year to bother calling it winter.

Understand that life is going to be different going forward.  Whatever has caused you to feel the way you do, accept that its gone, and you’ve taken the first step to feeling better about the situation.  If you have lost a friend or lost a significant other, the first thing to do is eliminate their presence.  For example, I “cleansed” my Facebook page of photos, check-ins, posts and anything else that I found that reminded me of people that I did not want to be associated with.  Deleted and eliminated.

Out of sight, out of mind.  And it works.  Then you can start focusing on you and pursue the facets of life that make you happy, without anything bogging you down.

Now, I’m not saying put it in the back of your mind and grind on it daily, that doesn’t help.  I am saying eliminate anything that reminds you of the situation you are trying to get away from.  Yes, you can do it.  Nothing is so important that you can’t let go of it.  Especially if it makes you unhappy.  Why hold onto something, and sit and think about something that makes you unhappy or angry?

I think the term “depression” is the most overused and undervalued term used today.  Anyone who wakes up on the wrong side of the bed or has an off-day where they just don’t feel as happy as they should, feel “depressed.”  No.  Sometimes people have a bad day, or they’re sad for one reason or another.  That is not depression.  That is the normal range of human emotion and the arrow is pointing down at that particular time.  It’s like confusing “sleep” with “death.”  Sad and depressed are not the same thing.

In closing, I want to say something that I know pisses a lot of people off, but turn that frown upside down.  Instead of sitting on Facebook posting those ridiculous depression pieces, put the phone down and go for a drive, or do something constructive.  And get rid of whatever it is that makes you act like your world ended, because it didn’t.  The sun will rise tomorrow and so will you.  And the further you get from what ails you, or bothers you, the better you will feel.  Time really does heal all wounds.

Be happy.  It IS just a matter of telling yourself you will be, and making a few minor adjustments in your life.  And its worth it.  I can testify to that.  Once you eliminate the misery and embrace the happiness that life has to offer, you win.

Go for it.  You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Peace.

Misery and Depression… And The Long Road Back To Happiness

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About six months ago, I sat in this very chair and was reading an article about the effects of depression on your body.  As I read, I began to realize exactly where I was in life; in the clutches of crippling depression.  Insomnia, heart problems, headaches, fatigue, weight gain, a weakened immune system…  It was like reading a list of the problems I was facing on a daily basis.  The worst part was, I didn’t realize I was miserable.

I had been programmed by those around me to think that I couldn’t be happier, because it would reflect poorly on them if society knew how unhappy I was.

The mind can be tricked, but the body, not so much.  You can be in a horrific car accident and break every bone, and while you can tell yourself that you’re not in pain or that everything is fine, that body cast will paint a much different picture.

There I was, for years on end, absolutely miserable.  Hating everyone I dealt with, just wanting to be alone, crying myself to sleep at night, my hair was falling out, I was 80 pounds overweight, I developed ulcers and, within the past year, even started to get migraine headaches.  But I kept telling myself I had to be happy.

But inside I knew I was miserable.  You can’t be around people on a daily basis that you hate with every fiber of your being and somehow be “happy.”  You can’t throw your life away and expect anything good to come back to you.  Ever.  It just doesn’t work that way.  If you want good in your life, you have to put it there yourself.

Luckily, circumstance decreed otherwise and those people have been eliminated from my life forever, and in less than three months my whole world is changing.  I have lost 17 pounds, I haven’t had a single migraine headache since early December, I can actually sleep at night and wake refreshed in the morning, my blood pressure is dropping, my ulcers are finally straightening up, my hair stopped falling out and I don’t feel the overwhelming, non-stop feelings of misery, doom and depression that I felt for seven years.  Just by the elimination of people I hated from my life.

From the time I was 15 I always said I would never live to see 40.  It was just a premonition, nothing concrete ever happened to give me that foresight.  But now I realize there was some truth to it.  At the age of 40 years and six months, I actually started to live.  The old me is dead.  The “me” that hated to get up in the morning because my bed was the only place I felt “happy,” that couldn’t function due to headaches so bad I became disoriented, that laid in bed awake every night for four or five hours before a small amount of sleep would overtake me and then I could have nightmares about the unhappiness in my life.  That “me” didn’t make it far past 40.

So, to anyone who reads this, I’m pleading with you, don’t lie to yourself.  Life is too short and precious to be spent being miserable.  Don’t throw your life away.  If there’s anything in your life that is making you miserable and unhappy, get rid of it.  It’s not worth it, no matter what it is.  There is so much happiness to be had in the world today, don’t let anything, and especially anyone, ruin it for you.  You’re worth more than that.  I lost seven years of my life to crippling depression and I’ll never get those seven years back.  But, if I live as long as my grandfather did, I could have 52 years ahead of me to enjoy life and actually be happy.  I plan on taking advantage of them.

Don’t let society, or anyone’s manipulations, make you unhappy.  Don’t allow yourself to be used and abused and taken advantage of just so someone else can be happy.  It isn’t worth it on any level.  Your life is your own.  To live as you want.

I want to say that I thank God for the life I was given, I thank my friends and family for seeing me through it and I thank providence for getting me out of the misery I was in for all those years.  Many a night I laid in bed and begged the Lord to end my life before the sun would rise again.  Now the sun has truly risen.  I wouldn’t trade my life right now for anything or anyone, and I am happier than I have been in probably 15 years.  And a whole lot healthier.  With a lot more support and love than I have ever had.  How many times lately I have said “today was a really good day.”  Those were so few and far between in the previous seven years I could have counted them on one hand and had fingers left over.  Life is what you make it.  And this is mine.

In closing, you are given one earthly life.  What you do with it is up to you.  If you want to get into a situation where every day feels like it would be better if it were your last, then you need to wake up and understand that there’s more to life than that.  There are wonderful people and places and things to enjoy.  Hobbies and food and drink and movies and shows…  Why allow anyone, or anything, to make you unhappy?  Let it go.  Take a deep breath, and walk out into the world.  And enjoy it.

Peace.