Not For Sale: Taking Myself Off The Market, Part II (REVISED)

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After falling off the wagon a couple of times (once because I thought I was genuinely about to fall in love and once because, well, I’m a blithering idiot), I am back to square one, realizing how important it is to remove myself from the dating scene while I still have my self-respect and dignity, as well as what’s left of my mental health and sanity.

I wrote the original entry about this subject on May 23, 2018. Shortly thereafter, I sold out and went out with a girl I had originally started talking to in early April. There were a few red flags (distance between us, roughly 45 minutes, being a good example) but I found her to be beautiful, intelligent and worth the extra work considering the situation.

We went out on June 2, remained in touch daily and went out again on June 23. I was falling hard. But then, beginning on July 6, she decided to start ghosting me. We never had a disagreement or even a cross word. I kept going back in my mind trying to figure out what I had done wrong, but could not figure it out, unless I was just expecting too much and she didn’t want to deal with it. Some of my friends have other ideas, like I was maybe a “practice” date. There are also theories that maybe she has a man stashed away or has her eyes on one. Some have even speculated that maybe she’s not attracted to men. Who knows.

Ultimately, I never will. And I came to terms with that, finally. But whatever feelings I had for her have died a quick death, and I blocked her on Facebook and from being able to call or text me. An explanation, even a dishonest one (i.e. “I’m allergic to you” or “our signs aren’t compatible”) would have sufficed, rather than just ghosting me.

I was then asked out last week by a woman who lives even further away (roughly an hour) who had asked me out in February and I declined. I wasn’t really attracted to her but at first she seemed to have a fun personality. Until I got to know her better. She has a rotten personality and an ego to match. Without even having met outside of Facebook and text messaging, she announced that she didn’t like my beard and that I needed to shave it. She said she doesn’t like baseball (which is my only obsession in life) and that she would “rather poke (her) eyes out with a fork” than watch baseball. She also announced that if I was ever “lucky enough” to share her bed that I better get used to listening to white noise to go to sleep.

Wow.

Talk about a cunt. She may be the most selfish woman I have ever met, and that’s saying something. On top of not being overly attractive at all, this ego of hers was beyond anything I had ever seen. When you’re in the process of seeing if you’re compatible with someone, saying “this is how it is, get used to it” is probably not the best strategy. Had I used any common sense, the fact that I had already declined her advances once should have struck a chord with me.

Luckily, cooler heads prevailed and we never went out. That would have been a disaster of epic proportions. I hate to say it, but I give more slack on things like that to a woman who maybe has the looks to carry it off. A beautiful woman can be egotistical and get away with it. A woman who is on the opposite end of that spectrum really can’t. At all.

Which brings me back to why I made the decision to take myself off the market in the first place back in May. Dating just doesn’t work for me right now, and these two situations have made that even more clear than it was before. I know there’s no one out there for me, at least in this area, and in a way I’m thankful for that because this whole county is a hellhole that I can’t imagine meeting anyone in that I could spend the rest of my life with.

These last two were from neighboring counties, and I thought maybe I had beaten the system that way. No, they’re just as bad. While the first one was far more attractive than anyone you’ll ever meet in my area, she was still a flake of ultimate dimension. The second one was pretty much on par for what you would expect to find around here.

Too many women overvalue themselves in the marketplace. If your description of yourself includes the fact that you don’t have enough money to support yourself or you don’t like to cook or your favorite pastime is drinking yourself into a stupor, that’s not increasing your value as a potential mate. It’s making you look stupid more than anything.

Yet, there are meth-heads, drunks and legitimate whores around here who are holding out for something they’re never going to find, a decent man who would be happy to have them in their life. In my case, I have yet to find one I would even consider.

So, I am back where I started. I’ve decided I need one year to get my life back in order and kind of lick my wounds and recover from the shock and disappointment of the past seven months, as well as the seven years of abject misery I dealt with before that.

As I told a close friend of mine last night, the happiest times I can remember in my life all had one thing in common: I was single and wasn’t trying to change it.

My plan now is to take myself completely off the dating market until August 1, 2019. One year and a week, basically. Do I expect to just jump into a relationship on August 1 of next year? Of course not, but I’m not even going to consider doing so until then. I have enlisted a number of friends to do whatever it takes to keep me from falling off the wagon again. Humiliate me on Facebook with wall posts. Spray paint my Jeep. Shoot me in the leg. Anything.

I just can’t spend the rest of whatever I have left in life chasing shadows and settling for less than I want. I don’t drink (to excess, anyway), I don’t use drugs, I work, I own my own vehicle and house, I have a good income and savings, I can go buy anything I want at any time. I really have no need for a woman, as a woman won’t complete me. I am complete as it is. I will say that a woman can enhance me and my life, but she isn’t a necessity.

So why shouldn’t I enjoy myself, and if it stretches into a period longer than a year, then so be it. The same thing happened to me in 1996, I became single after a long-term relationship ended in June and decided to take the rest of 1996 off from dating. That lasted until July of 2005. I am not the least bit afraid of being alone or not being in a relationship.

You see, I came to realize a long time ago that I am at my happiest when I am single. I had such an amazing life in the late 1990s and early 2000s and sure enough, within a month of entering the relationship scene again in 2005, I was utterly miserable. And every woman I have dated since has made me miserable. Some more than others and some for ungodly periods of time.

I do want and need to address the elephant in the room. I have been asked repeatedly “but what if some cute, little, available girl comes into your life before August 1, 2019?” Well, quite simply, this: If she is, in fact, my “soulmate,” then she’ll still be around when my self-imposed exile is up. There is nothing to be accomplished for me in chasing shadows and wondering if this girl is “The One” or even considering going out with a woman who I already know is not “The One.”

Life isn’t that complicated. If you don’t feel anything for someone, if there’s no attraction there or there’s no feeling of desire to see someone, she’s not “it.”

I had to have that beaten into me between 2010 and 2017 and it seems that maybe the lesson still hasn’t taken hold. If I can stay with someone until December 2017 that I have hated with a bloody passion since at least 2013 and likely before that, I clearly have no sense.

It’s clear that I need to be taken away from the general public for a long stretch and learn how to function as a normal human being again without making an arse of myself constantly. Thus, my decision to enter my self-imposed exile, that I think I will truly enjoy. I recently upgraded my cigar humidor and bought a beautiful selection of premium sticks that I will enjoy sitting outside smoking and listening to the White Sox games on the radio and no one will even have to poke their eyes out.

In closing, I hope the two women mentioned within this post get exactly what they deserve in life and reap what they are sowing. As for myself, I hope I have as good a time for the next nine years as I had the last time I went into exile. Be they alone or with my “soulmate,” wherever she may be. I figure if she’s out there, she’ll find me in due time. And it won’t be until at least August of 2019.

Thank you for visiting and reading…

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Like Me For Who I Am, Or Piss Off…

HatedForWhoIAm1_560For the fifth time in a matter of months, a woman has walked briefly into my life and taken an interest in completely changing who I am.

Let’s first examine who I am.  I’m a Chicago White Sox fan and have loved baseball for 30 years.  It’s as much a part of who I am as my DNA.  I love beautiful women and I celebrate them.  I love heavy metal music.  This is all a part of what makes me who I am.  And the idea that anyone would change that irks me.

I was recently asked out by a woman who literally liked nothing about me.  Right down to my facial hair.  Now, bear in mind that I don’t know this woman outside of social networking and texting.  But she apparently has an ego big enough to assume that I would shave off my beard to satisfy her whim about my facial hair.  She also told me she would “rather stab (her) eyes out with a fork” than watch baseball.  Fair enough, but the fact is I would rather stab my eyes out with a fork than spend another 15 seconds talking to an overinflated, egomaniacal, selfish cunt of a woman.

Several months ago a woman told me she would “not compete” with baseball for my attention.  That’s probably a good idea.  Because unless you completely sweep me off my feet, you’re not going to compete.  You’ll always finish second.

The point here is, I am who I am.  Not only is your approval not needed, its irrelevant.  If you’re a single woman who is over the age of 30 and you’re trying to pick up men to change into something other than what they are, you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, who really needs to change?

No self-respecting man is going to just give up his lifelong pursuits of interest because some woman asks him to, or in my case, nags me to.  I am a happy, self-sufficient, single man.  I don’t need a woman to “complete” me, especially if all she is doing is tearing me down.  That’s going in the opposite direction.  On some level, a woman may help to enhance my life.  But I have yet to meet one that’s anything more than a hindrance and a drain on my happiness.  That kind of woman I do not need.

If I want to wear a beard, I’ll wear a beard.  If I want to watch the White Sox game, or listen to Megadeth, or sleep with an audiobook playing in my stereo, I’m going to do just that.  If I want to post funny memes featuring women in bikinis, you have two choices, accept it or stop looking.  I’m not going to change who I am.

A pathetic, weak man might allow a woman to completely mold him into something he’s not, in which case she’s gonna be dressing him and telling him what to eat and what to watch and what to like and his life is going to be a nightmare.

In closing, be who you are, critics be damned.  You have one life to live, you have to decide if you want to be true to yourself and enjoy what you are doing, or if you have such a need to make someone else happy that you’re willing to destroy your own happiness.  I’m not willing to do that.  I am who I am, you can accept me and we’ll get along fine or you can just open the door and walk out.

Like me for who I am, or piss off.  The choice is yours.

Relationships: An Outsider’s Perspective, Volume II

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As I was visiting with my mom a couple of days ago, she broached a subject I was hoping we would not have to discuss:  Relationships.  The reason I hate discussing this with her is that I don’t need to be reminded that my taste in women is atrocious and that every time I have been in what would loosely be termed “a relationship,” I passed up a lot of better options to settle for far less than I deserved every single time.  I know all of this, and have to live with it, but she feels the need to remind me.

But this discussion was different.  It wasn’t about my poor choices and stupid mistakes of the past, it was about the future.  And I had not given much thought to the future.  I have been living with a day-to-day perspective throughout 2018, and the idea of thinking a day or a week or a month ahead isn’t something I had been doing to any extent.

I have, however, discussed it a bit with my two closest confidants at times.

The last time I was single for an extensive period of time, I had a list of rules to help me weed out the losers from the potential winners.  It wasn’t the type of rules that most people think of (specific height, weight, hair color, etc.) but was more guidelines to separate the trash from the treasures, i.e. “must have a job,” “must have a car” and “no crazy ex’s.”  The kind of thing a nice, middle-class girl should have.

The problem with that kind of thinking is that I looked past the more obvious points I should have been considering, like “is this someone I can stand being around for more than a couple of hours?”  Or, “is this someone I could marry in the future?”

To make matters worse, I not only totally disregarded those obvious questions but threw my guidelines away as well and settled for everything I never wanted.

This time around, I’m smart enough to put everything into perspective.

To put it a little more simply, as I said to one of my confidants a couple of days ago, “I want a woman I can’t live without, not a woman I can’t live with.”  Which means I not only want a woman who fits the obvious prerequisites (mutual attraction, mutual interests, etc.) as well as my own personal requirements (the aforementioned job and car, etc.), but also now fits the questions I should have been asking all along.

Obviously, this is going to thin the herd down to pretty much nothing.  And I’m OK with that.  Because at this point, at 40 years old, I shouldn’t have to settle for anything less than I actually want, and I am perfectly and totally happy as things stand.

So, I sat down again with mom today and said “at this point, given everyone I have met and where everything stands, no, I’ll never be in a relationship again.  Granted, that could change tomorrow depending on who I meet, but right now, no.”

If I don’t see a future with someone, I’m not going to waste the present on them.  It isn’t fair to me and at my age, I’m ready to either settle down with someone, or settle down alone.  And since I am living pretty comfortably right now, I see no reason to change that for someone unless she is going to be a permanent part of my life.

I wish everyone would adopt my philosophy, as a lot fewer bad relationships would result and the dramatics that result from those bad relationships wouldn’t happen.  Of course, I realize some people thrive on bad relationships, as a way of getting attention online or from friends.  Realize that this isn’t healthy or good for anyone.

I am going forward, alone or not, the wheels will roll.  If there’s someone out there that is my “forever,” then eventually I’ll meet her.  If not, I’m going to be happy and enjoy my life anyway.  I don’t need anyone to completely me, I’m a complete person, as is.  But I am not closing the door to anything that may develop down the road.

There is White Sox baseball to watch, fine cigars to be smoked, excellent food and whiskey to be consumed and life to be lived.  And that’s what I’m doing.  I’m not settling for less than the best in any facet of my life going forward.  Ever again.

Peace.

Relationships: An Outsider’s Perspective

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By definition, a relationship is “a connection between persons by blood or marriage.”  This is the definition based on the concept of the male/female relationship in which love is involved.  There are other definitions of the word, of course, but this is the one I want to focus on.

The definition I listed above is a bit weak on details that make a relationship what it is.  Oddly enough, most definitions of the word that I have found on various sites (including dictionary.com and the Merriam-Webster website) are lacking in fundamentally spelling out what a “relationship” entails.

I am not pretending, in any way, to even begin to understand what makes a relationship between two people successful, because I have been in very few relationships and none of them have been successful or overly enjoyable for either party.  However, due to this lack of success and lack of happiness and enjoyment, I think that puts me in a unique position to talk about my ideas.

The most important part of a relationship would have to be love, as this is what the entire relationship is built on.  This is also a bit problematic for me as I have never been in love, and have never been afraid to admit it, so again, I’m behind the 8-ball a little when discussing this aspect.

If you love someone, I am assuming you would want to spend most of your time with them.  I see this as problematic given that most people don’t have enough in common to spend that much time with someone.  In my personal experience, a perfect February evening for me would be an episode or three or four of Forensic Files, a nice dinner and then listen to a Megadeth CD before going to bed.  There are exactly zero women on the face of the earth that would enjoy that.

Now, the other option is to sell yourself out and do whatever your significant other wants to do.  But what if you have no interests shared with that person?  Do you just sit back and say “what’s one wasted evening?”  But if you’re in a relationship, how many evenings are you willing to waste?  Isn’t your life and your time worth anything to you?  Why would you just give it away to someone?

Also, to have a relationship you have to have a mutual attraction.  This is pretty standard and straightforward, you can’t be in a relationship with someone you aren’t attracted to, unless you’re the type of woman who is only after a man for his money.  Luckily, I think most guys would catch on to that kind of thing.

But is attraction and love enough?  Maybe if you’re in high school.  But once you hit the real world, could a relationship last strictly on love and a mutual attraction?  Or does there have to be a lot more involved?

I was always smart enough to keep my relationships at arm’s length.  Part of this was due to the lack of love between both parties and the fact that I went into every relationship prepared for it to end.  I never looked at a relationship as a potentially full-life scenario, because that was ridiculous.  I have looked at each relationship as a war, a series of battles to be fought until the war was over.

I’m now 40, a little older and a little wiser than I was in my youth.  Cynical but not to the point of being ridiculous.  I have finally figured out, however, that relationships aren’t for me.  I’m not saying I’m against dating, or sex, I’m just saying I’m against the idea of chaining myself to one person for any length of time and suffering all the aggravations and misery that goes along with being in a relationship.

A perfect example of how I feel was vocalized in a 1974 episode of Columbo titled “Negative Reaction,” starring Dick Van Dyke as Paul Galesko.  In one scene, during an argument with his wife, Galesko says “I have nothing to face that day, but another 24 hours with a domineering, nagging, suffocating woman who took all the joy out of my life.”    That’s what I think when I imagine a relationship.

This is where the big difference between “dating” and being in a “relationship” really hits home for me.  When dating someone, you can go out and have a nice time, or spend an occasional evening together and enjoy each other’s company and then go your own way.  You aren’t chained to this person.  When you’re in a relationship, you are stuck with this person 24 hours a day, seven days a week and 52 weeks a year.

This is where I realize that I have never been in love or been in a successful relationship, because I have never met anyone I could spend more than a couple of days around without wanting to jump out a window or drink the nearest poisonous liquid I could find.  Yes, I’m a loner and proud of it, and that will never change.  I need quiet, alone time to reboot myself and do things I enjoy doing.

There are undoubtedly a lot of people out there enjoying their relationship or their marriage, and I’m not trying to ruin it for you; you may very well be happy and it may very well last for the rest of your life.  But that doesn’t mean it applies to everyone.  I am far happier being able to do what I want, when I want, where I want and how I want than having anyone tell me what to do.

This is especially true when the person I’m with, and that counts every one I have ever been with, didn’t love me in the first place and the feeling was mutual.  As I mentioned earlier, love is the most important part of a relationship.  If you don’t have love, what you have is a joke, and it’s fake.  You’re accomplishing nothing by being in a fake relationship that has no love in it.  It’s bad news.

Instead of wasting your life on that kind of nonsense, do what I have done and swear off relationships for good.  It doesn’t mean you have to stop dating or playing the field or any of those kinds of things, just don’t tie yourself down to one person and let them make you miserable for the rest of your life.

As Benny Hill sang, “why make one woman miserable when you can make so many so happy?”  It works the other way around, too.

I know some people will say “you just haven’t met the right person yet.”  Well, as I mentioned, I’m 40.  The dating pool is pretty shallow on this end.  That’s not a complaint, its just a fact.  And in the event I were to find someone that I had even 80% compatibility with, I might be willing to make some adjustments, but as I have not met anyone even close to 50% compatibility at this point, I’m not exactly hopeful that such a woman is suddenly going to materialize out of thin air.

In closing, I want to share three of my favorite anti-relationship quotes.

“I am not searching for my other half, because I am not a half.”

“Getting into a relationship may seem like a good idea, but so was getting on the Titanic and look what happened there.”

And finally, my all-time favorite:

“Marriage basically consists of three rings:  Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.”

Peace

My Thoughts On The Anti-Valentine’s Day Sentiment…

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There seems to be more and more anti-Valentine’s Day backlash every year by the single community, to the point of calling it “Singles Awareness Day.”  With this being my first single Valentine’s Day in seven years (and only the second in the past 12 years) I think I am in a bit of a unique position to see things from a very different perspective.

Yes, Valentine’s Day reeks of commercialism and it puts a lot of people on the spot who normally wouldn’t want to do the things that Valentine’s Day requires.  Some people hate to spend money on anyone but themselves.  Some people hate to spend money.

But you know what’s worse than spending Valentine’s Day single?  Spending Valentine’s Day in a relationship with someone who hates you and that you hate in return.

Imagine being in an unhappy relationship when V-Day rolls around.  Imagine that no matter what you do, it’s wrong and unappreciated.  Of course, you get used to that when everything you do every day is wrong and unappreciated, but it has a little extra sting on Valentine’s Day.  Add the requisite complaining and that makes for a great holiday.

Naturally, the perfect Valentine’s Day would be spent with someone you love who loves you in return, and those of us who are single won’t have that.  But spending the day and night alone is a lot better than some of the other options, you can take that to the bank.

Take my advice, and be happy if you’re single on Valentine’s Day.  It’s not perfect, but it’s not the worst situation you could find yourself in.  Appreciate yourself and be glad there’s no one around to ruin February 14th for you, year in and year out.  If you’re legitimately happy being single, be your own Valentine.  If you’re miserable being single, quit complaining about it and do something about it.  Meet someone.  Fall in love.

But if you’re like me, and you’re just happy to be alive and you’re happy for those who are in love and have someone to share their lives with, don’t take away anyone else’s enjoyment of the day.  I’ll take single V-Day over miserable V-Day every single year.

Peace.

A Manifesto On Marriage

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This blog entry is going to offend some people, especially those who are in a happy marriage.  I want to preface this piece by saying that these opinions are mine, and mine alone.  I have carried these beliefs with me since I was at least 15 years old, regardless of what life may have been putting in front of me and what mistakes I made, or was able to avoid, for that matter, over the ensuing 25 years.

There are a couple of quotes that helped to craft my views of marriage.  The first was in the film North To Alaska, when John Wayne’s character, Sam McCord, said “a wonderful thing about Alaska is that matrimony hasn’t hit up here yet.  Let’s keep it a free country.”  The second was compliments of legendary British comedian Benny Hill, who sang “why make one woman miserable when you can make so many so happy?”

I do need to point out that I have never been married, so this is not going to be a hit piece about an unhappy marriage.  This is simply going to be my thoughts on the institution of marriage, and why, deep down, I would have never even consider marrying.

There have been three times that I have had marriage pushed at me, and all three times were ludicrous, in their own way.  And together, they brought me to this point in my life.

My first experience with marriage began when I was 17 years old.  Yes, 17.  I was having marriage pushed at me by a 15 year old I was dating at the time.  Fortunately, I was kicked to the curb at 19 and was able to avoid that situation before it would have been feasible.  But it was a bad omen.

The second time I had to deal with this was in 2005, and this is where not getting married was cast in stone for me, though I didn’t realize that until just recently.  The woman in this case lived nearly four hours away, and we were not dating or in any kind of relationship whatsoever.  She wanted a husband, period.  Didn’t matter who, didn’t matter where.  When I told her I did not love her and did not want to marry her, she simply said “you’ll learn to love me.”  Luckily for me, some idiot did finally marry her and I can only imagine the hell he must be living.

My final experience started well enough, I had just had sex with a woman nine years older than me (she was 37, I was 28) and as we lay there she said “I’m just going to tell you now, I’m never getting married again.”  This, of course, allured my interest, as we knew nothing about each other and had met only three hours earlier.  So, if she was not interested in marriage, to the extent that I was not as well, we definitely had solid footing beneath us in terms of our futures.  However, that was short-lived and within six months I was having ads from jewelry stores shoved in my face on a daily basis.

Now I don’t want to just outline my own experiences as to why I think marriage is dreadful, I want to look at some actual facts and figures that support my theory.

First, let’s remember that half of all marriages end in divorce.  That is mathematical fact.  Let’s also remember that a majority of women marry men of a higher economic status.  That means that in a community property state, women are coming out of the marriage a lot better off than they went into it and men are coming out a lot worse off.  And in an unhappy marriage, remember this:  If you leave, you pay.  If she leaves, you pay.  This was especially significant to me, as all four of my “marriage experiences” were of a lower economic status than I, which left me to wonder if their interest in me was real, or if it was purely mercenary.

Second, people change over time.  There’s a reason the early, happy days of anything are known as the “honeymoon” period.  In today’s world, the honeymoon period can be over before the marriage even begins.  The days of people rushing into marriage, while still happening, are not as prevalent as they were in previous generations.  We know more about each other for longer periods of time than we did in the past.  And that can be a blessing.  It allows us to not make the mistakes that may have been made in days gone by.

Third, and probably most important, takes me back to my younger days.  I believed (and still do) in the concept of “social dating.”  Rather than dating someone exclusively and letting numerous other opportunities pass by, date someone new every time you go out.  I did this and it was the happiest year of my life.  I got to spend time with a lot of different women, I had a lot of great experiences and lived a lifetime in one year.

However, I found this is frowned upon by society in general.  My sister, who lives beside of me, called me one Sunday afternoon after seeing four different cars with four different women in my driveway over a 36-hour period.  She told me how horrible this was and that I should go out with one girl and see if I “fell in love” with her and if not, then move onto the next one, and so on.

This sounded absolutely absurd to me.  I likened it to test driving a car.  You don’t go out and buy a car and drive it for a couple of weeks and then decide if you like it.  You test drive it, as well as other cars that catch your interest, and then decide which one is best for you.  To me, the idea of dating someone exclusively to see if you like them or not is like walking in a circle and wondering why you haven’t left the room.

Yes, this idea flies in the face of conventional thinking.  But I always made my intentions known from the beginning.  We were going on a date, or we were having an evening at my place.  Everything was open and aboveboard, and the only thing that was ruled out was a relationship, especially after one date, regardless of how well everything went.  I was told at the time, however, that women would try to “stake a claim” on me, and that did, in fact, happen, in spite of my directives.

Sex played a role in this, of course, but it went far beyond that.  As long as there is a mutual physical attraction, sex can happen regardless of the circumstances.  You don’t have to have anything in common, or even have a good time with them outside of the bedroom, to have a good time sexually.  But spending time together on a platonic level put me in a position to want to meet more and more women.  The sex was a given; I wanted to also enjoy myself sitting and watching a movie with someone and then know that, when the date was over, they were walking out the door and leaving.

The concept of socially dating is completely at odds with the concept of marriage, but in my opinion, so is the concept of being happy.  Unless you believe in soulmates, and you happen to somehow meet yours, and you are truly, 100% totally in love with them, and you can stand being around them between 12 and 24 hours a day, every day, for the rest of your life or you can stand the idea of half of everything you own walking out the door with them when the marriage fails, then I don’t see anything to be gained from getting married, at least from the male point of view.

From personal experience, I have yet to meet anyone that I could spend so much time with that I would not have to get away from them at some point.  The man cave came into existence for this very reason.  The very definition of a man cave is “a male retreat or sanctuary,” which is specifically for getting away from the man’s wife.  When you need to get away from your wife, and have a special room to do so, that tells you that you may need to look into getting away from her permanently.  Women can be insufferable, so why invite one into your life on a permanent basis which is legally binding and may cost you dearly when she leaves or you ask her to leave?

I prefer solitude, I like my own company much, much more than the company of anyone else.  Now, don’t misunderstand, that’s not to say I don’t enjoy anyone’s company, because I do enjoy the company of friends from time to time and that can be either platonically or sexually.  But at the end of the day, if it came down to being alone or being with anyone else, anyone of my choosing even if they were completely out of my league, I would choose to be alone.

Though if Rihanna asked if she could move in, I may make an exception in that case…

I jest, of course.  Though an extended stay would certainly not be out of the question.

I see marriage very similarly to a prison.  You lose your freedom.  You lose your possessions.  You lose your ability to think for yourself.  You lose your ability to make the most basic of decisions because you have someone else standing over you whose one goal in life, is to mold you into the person they want you to be, not to accept you for the person you are.  I find that whole idea to be nothing short of horrifying.

Looking back, had I ever gotten married, I don’t think I would be alive today.  I couldn’t even begin to imagine married life.  I would have basically given up everything, and to make matters worse, I would have been marrying someone I was not in love with and who didn’t love me for me, the upshot of which was I would have had to change.  And I have no desire to do so, now or in the future.  Any of those three options would have been horrible, and I am so fortunate that the concept of marriage hasn’t been breached in my life since 2009.  I intend to keep it that way for as long as I walk this Earth.

Through the grace of God, luck and intelligence on my behalf, my record is clean and “divorce” will never be a word that will have to run through my life’s story.  And neither will “marriage.”  I have no problem with relationships, even long-term relationships.  But once you sign your life over to someone, once you put in writing that you are now someone’s “property” until you die or they decide to toss you over for a better offer, you have put yourself into a position that there is no positive outcome with, and several negatives outcomes that far outweigh any happiness you would find.

In closing, let me say that, if you are married and happy, God bless you.  Ignorance is bliss.  If you are married and unhappy, then you have fallen into the trap and I hope you have a good prenuptial agreement, and even then, they are not necessarily binding, so when the end comes, be ready to lose your shirt and a lot more.  If you are not married and considering it, please read and re-read this post.  Take into account everything I have said, everything that could happen going forward.  You think before you step in front of a moving car, because we know what the result of that will be.  Well, “walking down the aisle” has an end result as well, and we know the chances that it will end badly are equal to the chances it will end well.  And if you’re like me, and you haven’t been married and are not going to in the future, then congratulations, you’re on the right track in life.  Keep going, and enjoy yourself.  There’s a world out there, don’t tie yourself down and miss it.  Don’t look back on your life with regrets about choices that you didn’t have to make in the first place.  Make the most of your life and of yourself.  Live it up.

Peace.

My Thoughts On The Concept Of “Soulmates”

soul mate  ˈsōl ˌmāt/

noun a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner

This is the concept that there is one person…  one…  out of 7.6 billion people on earth that is your “soulmate.”  That one person is ideally suited to you.

Those 7.6 billion people are scattered all over the world.

What if your soulmate lives 3,000 miles away?  Or 10,000 miles away on a different continent?  What are the chances that the one person who is “ideally suited” to you lives within, say, a 30-mile radius?  Those are worse odds than winning the lottery.

I have had this disagreement with multiple people, multiple times over multiple years and every time I have it, it pushes me further away from ever being able to believe something so childish and stupid.

Now, don’t misunderstand me; I’m not saying I don’t believe in true love and that you can actually completely and totally love someone you do not share blood with.  While I personally haven’t experienced that feeling, I do think its possible to be completely in love with another person.  But that does not make them your soulmate.

A soulmate, by definition, is someone you have to have a lot in common with.  So you not only have to love this person, but you have to have similar interests and more than likely a similar background.  I have friends that I have a lot in common with, over a broad spectrum, but that does not mean they are my soulmate(s).

I have been in two long-term relationships (each lasting over two years) and both of them broached the idea of being “soulmates” to me.  The first was the closest to an actual soulmate I have ever had.  And I would go so far as to say that was my only experience with, or the closest I have ever come to “true love,” which is sad considering that ended when I was 19 years old.  I’m 40 now.

The second was probably the furthest from a soulmate that I could imagine, I had enemies that I had more in common with than I did that one.  We hated each other but stayed together for several years, for reasons I can’t even begin to describe.  There was a palpable dislike between us, in addition to having absolutely nothing in common besides a strong dislike for each other.  The day she mentioned “soulmates” to me I laughed in her face.  Without an ounce of regret.

Getting back to the first one, the closest I have had, we were able to revisit things 14 years after we split up.  It was then that I realized that, while she was the closest thing I had to a “soulmate” and to the experience of “true love,” that wasn’t what it was, because there were no feelings of “love” when we reconnected.  Lust, yes.  But not love.  We had incredible sex in the mid-1990s and again when we reconnected, but that does not make for a soulmate or a true love, that just makes for a good sex partner.  Nothing more.

Sometimes people will say “you just haven’t met ‘the one’ yet,” which is fine if you believe in that kind of thing, but suppose “the one” moved away 30 years ago, or died, or married someone else?  Is there some kind of guarantee that you will actually meet your soulmate or is it just the luck of the draw that you can find that “one” person?

All of us are unique individuals, with various likes, dislikes, interests, feelings, thoughts, morals and personalities.  We are not made to fit together like puzzle pieces.  I’m not saying that it’s not possible to find someone that you have a lot in common with (though I am also saying it’s extremely unlikely to find anyone that similar) and from my experience I’m lucky to get a 50% match, let alone anything on a “soulmate” level.

The older I get and the more experience with people I get, the more I believe I am 100% correct in my feelings on this.  At my age, the pool of potential “soulmates” has shrunk considerably from where it was when I was, say, 18.  And I absolutely know my soulmate was not in my past, which means if such a thing existed, she would have to be somewhere in my future.  Now, in the event that I move, as I am planning to do, does that mean she is already in the area I’ll be moving to or will I meet her here before I leave?

Also, let’s look at this:  If someone wants you to change who you are, could they possibly be a “soulmate?”  The very idea that you would have to change yourself to fit into someone else’s idea of what they want you to be should automatically disqualify them from being a soulmate.  That goes completely against the concept.  Both of my former relationship partners wanted me to change, some a little and some to the extreme, and the fact of the matter is I’m not changing for anyone, and if I find someone who accepts me as I am, then I may be willing to be more open-minded.  That hasn’t ever happened.

I know people will say that there are couples who were married 50, 60 even 70 years and died minutes apart because they couldn’t live without each other.  That’s fine, but that doesn’t prove “soulmate” to me.  My parents have been married for 41 years, they can’t function away from each other and the only time they aren’t within speaking distance is when one of them goes to the bathroom, and they do everything together, but they have nothing in common.  Not the TV shows they watch, the music they enjoy, the movies they enjoy, the food they like or their hobbies.  They are not soulmates.  By any stretch.

Which brings us to the point of people who think they are with their soulmate, but they just either (a) don’t want to be alone or (b) they think they are in love.  But if they were to sit down and list their partners traits, in terms of things they like about them and things they do not like about them, they might be surprised at the end results.

I need to say that I’m not trying to deter anyone from trying to find someone to spend their life with, but do it with a little common sense.  There is no one out there that’s a “perfect match” for you.  But if you can find someone that you have a lot in common with as well as a strong connection and attraction to, by all means, go for it.  But don’t assume that because you both like pizza and you both have socks on at the same time that you are soulmates.  Use some basic human intelligence and just enjoy yourself.

In closing, I just want to say that I will go to my grave believing that soulmates do not exist, that true love may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that not everyone gets, and lust is a lot more prevalent than either soulmates or true love, and there’s not necessarily anything wrong with that, because if we all waited around for our soulmate to find us, the human race would have ended centuries ago.  Be smart about it.

Peace.

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